The Dawn Of A New Me

Is life all that complicated? How does one know what he or she wants? Is there a life without uncertainty or an element of perplexity? Why does mind meanders often in search of something insatiable? Why does one not attain a sense of contentment and always want a change or a difference or pursue something more? These are a few incessant questions out of the myriad other thoughts that hovers over my mind and boggles me while I attempt to find answers in vain.

I am a mother in my early 30’s born in the zenith phase of this booming Millennial era and perhaps I may not carry on so much of those narcissistic ambitious traits of this generation and still belong a little bit to the archaic obtuse conventional period of the generation before me. I was a self-satisfied minimalist with a happy mind frame who quit my job, a career spanning over 7 years that I valued for long to perform duties of raising and nurturing my son something that I prioritize and value higher than anything else.

While one part of me was proud of and self-absorbed of these duties that I was catering to as a doting mother, a wife and a perfect homemaker, the other part of me had these qualms of being incomplete – a sense of loss of identity. I was a student of immensely meritorious category educated from one of the prestigious universities of the country, quite successful in both education and profession who suddenly on a fine day when the motherhood in me controlled me, I resorted to change the pattern of my life for good leaving behind all the career aspirations and take up the role of a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and raise my son.

But as years passed by and my son’s need and attention for me declined, I decided that it was time that I should break this humongous glacier of ice holding me firm and rigid inside the cocoon of my family and emerge out into the world beyond in the quest of doing something that I am passionate about before I was lost totally.

A little over a year ago after delving into a few options of re-purposing my life (most of which did not materialize successfully), I finally decided to get back to my old job. I was queasy and petrified even as I was attending multiple interviews walking through the aisle of those corporate companies, wondering if this is what I wanted - the change that I craved for months together as the interviewers looked at me waiting to pounce and devour me like some savage monster. It was then when a gamut of ambiguous mixed emotions started spiraling within me like a whirlpool carrying me through various tides of highs and lows and pushed me to this phase of uncertainty and bewilderment which is what I am going to ramble about perhaps in the next couple of snippets of my musings 😊

Working in a Corporate Phase

Day 1: I was sitting at my office with a lot of new faces around gawking at me while I was waiting for my laptop. Over these 6 years of career break I realized that I had turned into this non-social recluse animal running errands to my family and mostly indulging in conversations with mothers of similar kind I had become oblivious of mingling with other kind of people and have a social life. Software industries, corporate firms were something that I started despising after I quit my job because of the nature of work and the monotony revolving it but little did I know that I was going to start my second innings as a professional in the same old realm of space that was once very familiar to me but something that I was not very passionate about. Owing to the lack of job options and the indolence to learn new skills and try a different work space I chose to get back to the same thing that I was good at but not very intrigued about.

Day 2: Had a conversation with my manager to transition me to home-based employee since I had opted for that during my interview and this commute was such a painful thing that I was enduring. Well, I was told to come for a few months to office (no definitive time specified apparently) to help me get on track with the work owing to my long career break. Every day was an ordeal travelling to the office and the only thing I had wished for was the quick transition into becoming a home-based employee.

I made few new friends, met the old folks who still survived in the same organization. There is this famous adage – “Grass is always greener on the other side”. Albeit I am philosophical and possess emotional and behavioral intellect, this human mind in me is restless and gets bored too soon. It was quite a challenge and courage that I had built up to break the stereotype of just being a SAHM and wanted to venture out something beyond my comfort zone. A change was indispensable and inevitable at that moment.

               Day 60: I am transcending on to Day 60 now. After 2 months of traveling to office back and forth and not much productive work I finally became a full-time home-based employee. Well now was I elated and happy that I got what I wanted? The answer was “No”. The next stage of anxiety and torments followed me or perhaps what my mind thought so to be.

Home-based Employee Phase

I was given the lead role for a complex study and it was quite overwhelming considering that I had not had hands-on programming experience for a long time.  I often keep self-introspecting – “Why did I start working?” What does it mean “I started working”? Does that mean these 6 years of unpaid, not glorified, imperceptible, innumerable hours of physical toil - the job of a home-maker means “not working”? Well, at some point this job became a humdrum, unexciting which coerced me into venturing something opposite of what I was doing which is why I am here or pursued it to be here. But this job is not exciting either. Is this an irony or am I too greedy or baffled about what I really want in life?

After a few panic attacks, swinging through multitude level of stress disorders and imbalances and not failing to mention the late-night slogging owing to a plethora of project assignments I turned out jubilant with my “office work” and even got acknowledged with a couple of awards for my good work (something I do not get despite being a good home-maker. There is no token of recognition for a home-maker-multi-tasking-full-time-mom perhaps the reason why my mind sought after something credit-worthy).

There was no element of thrill in life earlier and now there is so much of unwarranted roller coaster rides that makes me feel it was a lot easier when I was just a SAHM, writing my stories and taking care of my family unfazed by anything – just peace and harmony which I miss most of the times now. But that sounds simple and awfully boring. What's wrong with me? Have I turned into this complicated neurotic person with an embroiled state of mind? These are the voices echoing through my brains.

A little over a year and quarter had swept by since I started this stint. There were multiple whining, ranting and  moments of wanting to quit my job and restore my old mode but with the fear of again getting back to that home-maker’s depression phase which I suffered previously and also the lack of a strong back-up plan to continue my life, I postponed the thoughts of leaving my job and learnt to be a bit more patient and complacent and take things a little slow probably a deliberate attempt to plummet my insanity levels. I don’t know what’s in store for me or is this an incessant spell in my life which I might continue to pursue may be in another organization and turn into another monotonous dreary IT corporate sloth bear.

Day 380: After a lot of thinking I had a long conversation with my manager to ease my workload and discussed on my work aspirations, about my struggle to multi-task and juggle between office work and home-work, about the high volume of project work load instigating an imbalance in my work-life and eventually at the end of that grueling talk (phew!), my manager kind of temporarily reduced my work-load. I am a little relaxed at this moment as I am writing this long-winded soliloquy here yet uncertain about future and the challenges awaiting me. Will this be a rickety stint  that I started a year ago which I might cherish for the rest of my life or is this going to define the rest of my life? Well only time has the answer to this one!

PARENTING – A BOON OR A CURSE

Child birth is undoubtedly one of the most euphoric moments in any parents’ lives that bring the tears of joy in every eye. While we celebrate this jubilant occasion, a large part of us remain oblivious or miss to notice that big package of responsibility and challenges posed to parenting that comes along with this little cupid. I am no expert in child or teen psychology, still in my nascent stages of parenting (raising my six year old son), desired to take this forum to unleash some of my first hand experiences on raising children (albeit my purview to this could be limited on practical end but profound on theoretical and observations from near and dear ones) and on a larger scale wanted to share something that perturbed me in the recent past. 

A couple of weeks ago as I was randomly surfing through some news on the internet, I inadvertently bumped into this amazing lecture delivered by a psychology professor from Harvard university (translated into an article) about the mentality of adolescent and teenage kids of the recent era across the globe.  A plethora of topics was covered that includes the exposure, knowledge, interests, focus etc. of these kids but something that captured my attention and left me into deep thoughts was about the high level of mental and emotional sensitivity of these kids, lack of endurance to achieve success, a large extent of being an introvert working mostly in a covert manner and the inevitable peer & parental pressure on them. 

With the rapid modernization of our lives most of the families these days breaks down into nuclear shells.  A majority of these nuclear families resort to having only single kids (owing to lack of time to dedicate for these kids growth/financial or economic factors/personal choice etc.).  These highly pampered kids evolve into emotionally weak and sensitive ones, dependent and unable to accept failures or disappointments in life. These mental/psychological conditions of course cannot be generalized or categorized only for single kids as it happens for kids with siblings too.  

Recently a teenage girl probably sixteen or seventeen years old from the family of a prominent celebrity in the Indian film industry ran away from her home and this news spread like wild fire becoming the cynosure of media and people. I happened to watch this press conference meeting on YouTube set up by her mother and aunt pleading the media and the police to help them find their daughter.  While they believed that their daughter was abducted and did not return from school, in reality she had left her home without notification, furtively, travelled all the way to a neighbouring city and found shelter in some Christian hostel with the limited cash that she managed to carry from her home. The poignant speech given by her distraught mother crying and begging for her daughter to come back ripped me apart.  Although I do not intend to be judgemental or come with some preconceived notions of shifting the blame entirely on the child or the parents owing to the lack of clarity of what really happened to the girl that triggered her do something like this, yet this girl’s action is scary, deplorable and stigmatic.  This is not something novel, there are similar incidents happening in many places with teenage or younger kids running away from home or even worse end up becoming suicidal leaving their parents behind into an unfathomable plight inflicted with utmost agony that might probably haunt them for the rest of their lives. 

I was left in grave shock and disbelief of how this girl could put her parents through this dismal phase.  Or rather what factors forced this girl to take this extreme risk/step in her life that faltered her mother and father as parents? Is it that academic pressure from parents or peers unable to cope up with the challenges of this competitive world or is it the intolerance towards negative criticism that is embarrassing or daunting or is it the impatience towards attaining success (as they want everything easy and quick) or is it a dejection due to failure or it could range over myriad other reasons starting from a bullying at school, physical or personal issues like parental arguments or may be a divorce at home. Well, the reasons are many but the question here is how do we help our kids handle them?

There is no specific rule book to parenting as some tips and tricks might help in a few instances but may not help in others.  When our kids commit a mistake definitely reprimanding them by physical or verbal abuse is never a solution. It might only make the situation worse.  Embracing them with love and compassion and guiding them by pointing out their mistakes at the right time politely might help. Of course we should also be cognizant of the fact that the love and affection we shower on them should not come at a cost of spoiling our kids. So it’s a way of smart parenting that probably we all, as better parents should learn. We should help them comprehend that a negative feedback is not detrimental rather instrumental on a positive front aiding in their personality growth and development. We should motivate them that failures are only stepping stones to success, that it is perfectly OK if they are not a laureate or a genius, make them realize that no one is perfect here which would in turn encourage them to evolve from their naive and vulnerable self into a more confident, strong and a better individual ready to face and fight the savage reality of life.

As a closing note, parenting is certainly a boon, a blessing in disguise and not a threat. Like how every child is unique in their own way so is every parent. Each of them have their own style of raising their kids and are proud about it. It’s just that we should help our kids and as ourselves not succumb under pressure, take life in a positive spirit and emerge as better humans!!

The Tale of a Friendship – An unsolvable conundrum

Tamil Nadu, a south Indian state (often collectively addressed as Madras or Madrasis by the rest of the ignorant India) was rather quiet to the outside world and probably best known for its Kollywood and coffee, has suddenly garnered a lot of attention and has become the cynosure of the national media since the wake of the tumultuous and unprecedented events risen due to the latest political coup/crisis in the state preceded by the disastrous Cyclone Vardah , Jallikattu and Ennore oil spill. Or apparently I should date back this whole nation turning its heads towards this Dravidian state to the untimely demise of their charismatic statesman, a now demi-god J.Jayalalitha (fondly called by epithet “Amma” by her fellow citizens). Nonetheless the woman in me (and a Tamil myself) has undoubtedly admired and inspired by this iron lady for her fortitude and power in this male dominated society was rather left in grave shock and disbelief about her unanticipated demise. Not a great follower of Tamil Nadu politics, but my inquisitive brains were tickled and kindled to learn more about this magnificent lady since her death as I delved into her glorious history since her times of cinema, politics and her unbreakable, ever-lasting comradeship with V.K. Sasikala.

As I was reading through plethora of stories about these two ladies, the blossom of their friendship, the controversial theories about their intimate relationship, I was quite befuddled or rather left wondering about Jayalalitha, a lady I furtively admired. Although it was known that Sasikala, was only introduced to her for aiding her as a domestic help, their relationship became something bigger than that of a mistress and an attendant. Jayalalitha was often criticized for her populist politics fostering a personality cult, tyranny with her cadre members prostrating to her and her dictatorial dogmas; might not have been a laureate or a degree holder from elite educational institutions but she was extremely talented, skillful in fields of art, politics and commerce, knowledgeable and scholarly owing to her voracious penchant to reading.

Despite being a supremo to the world outside her, she probably was a loner from inside. In the loss of her father at 2 years, mother at 22 years and absence of a close family, she was in dire need of a companion to share her joy and miseries, to spend a life of a simple girl fulfilling her smaller desires or cravings and that’s how probably Sasikala became her confidante. This is where I was surprised how a wise person like Jayalalitha chose a benighted Sasikala as her close friend. My obtuse presumptions about people with like mind possibly tend to become allies was not all correct in this case of two friends. Although I tried not being judgemental, when I heard two of her (Sasikala) speeches owing to the recent developments in the state there was an utter lack of clarity, oration, diction and relevance to subject apparently leaving me in despair how a person of this stature could possible become the next ruling leader of a state (keeping aside her share of unscrupulous criminal allegations and the hypothetical conspiracy theories about her association in Jayalalitha’s uncanny death). 

Evidences point out that Sasikala and her so called Mannarkudi clan were ostracized and banished by Jayalalitha from her residence Veda Illam twice due to betrayal, she benevolently welcomed Sasikala back to her home after the latter issued a heart-melting apology letter to her. Is this the true Jayalalitha, a person known for reacting out of vengeance has turned all this forgiving types? Or is she a person who could probably fall an easy prey to flattery and adulation? Although she appears as an austere and a smart tough master outwardly, probably from inside she seems to be extremely sensitive, emotional and vulnerable.

This could be quite a personal affair between Jayalaitha and Sasikala but this emotional strings attached between these two ladies who called each other their soul-mates certainly strikes the curiosity cord of a large public who had been watching their enigmatic relationship. These inexplicable secrets will be forever buried in the heart of her living friend and in her graves.

And finally to address today’s crisis if only had Jayalalitha identified her suitable political successor/second-in-line ( technically which she never wanted to) while she was around, all this apocalypse in the state could have been warded off and probably her soul-mate (Sasikala) who is aspiring to take charge of her departed friend’s throne (claiming to have her right to rule owing to their 33 years long friendship) would have been posed with lesser challenges and indebted for the rest of her life!

SPLITSVILLA – Where Is This Nation Heading To??

Today the whole country have been ranting and whining about the latest implementation – the demonetization drive initiated by our honorable Prime Minister. While there is an uproar and fracas about this issue all over our nation something else captured my attention and left me in grave shock and unfathomable thoughts as I was flipping through the pages of my news paper – the rising cases of divorces especially amidst young and newly married couples. In the beginning it was only my portion of entertainment and gossips while skimming through the page 3 section of my daily editorial with news about some South Indian and Bollywood celebrities, eventually my fascination about this fantasy world died down to sheer confusion and disappointment as I encountered the news about the separation between some famous south Indian movie celebrities. A few months ago the paper was flooded with the news about the divorce between the Roshan couples (Hrithik and Sussanne Khan) who were married for 14 years and then later it was all about the infamous couple from the Salman Khan family (Arbaaz and Malaika Arora) who were also married for a long time.

Suddenly it dawned to me that because these people are some public figures their private life issues are being discussed blatantly by common folks like us and how their once upon a time rosy married life has come to an end disgraceful to the limelight. But the savage reality and the truth is that there has been an exponential rise in the number of divorce cases filed in India in the recent times by a lot of young and newly married couples who are no celebrities but some ordinary men and women whom we know or live around us. 

Quite recently I recollected an article published on Times of India news magazine with some staggering and mind-boggling statistical figures of the number of divorces filed primarily in the urban, suburban and cosmopolitan parts of India like Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata and Bangalore.  Every 13 out of 1000 marriages are ending in divorce as against 1 in 1000 ten years ago. In the olden times it was believed that  breaking of marriages are more common in the western countries and India known for its heritage and cultural values are more resilient and sustain a long lasting marriages. But in the modern times there has been an unusual trend in our country with increase in divorce rates as witnessed by the family courts. It is terrible and mind harrowing to see young couples married for hardly a few months stacked in front of the family courts seeking for divorce.

These incidents hit me real hard when something like that happened to one of my good old friend. I was perplexed when I heard that they were parting ways for good because these were people very much in love and courting for years and indeed desperate to get married but within a short span of three months since their marriage they decided to part ways from each other. All my conviction and faith about the age old traditional and conventional institution of marriage began to falter a little bit. Although my earlier presumptions were that such things happens only with people who undergo an arranged marriage my belief shattered as I heard and read more stories about people who knew and loved each other for really long decided to end their marriage in a rather sour and bitter state.

What really goes wrong when a man and woman in love decide to stay together under one roof after marriage?

They cite a range of reasons for their irreconcilable differences - the waning influence of the family and joint family; unwanted and ostensible interference of the parents; the growing psychological and financial independence of women; late marriages resulting in a greater reluctance to compromise or change set ways and lifestyles. The greatest difference, however, is in the willingness to end a marriage that is not working. Why is it that the urge in ending a marriage is not displayed in trying to mend the inconsistencies in a marriage?

What happened to our parents or grandparents who had their marriages that lasted for more than 40 or 50 years together? Was that a myth? Does that mean they were 100% compatible, or never had had any arguments or differences in their opinions? The major difference was that these people had the perseverance and immense tolerance level to shove away the unwanted issues that crops up and attempts to ruin their marriage. Those days people approached courts to end their marriages in really serious issues like dowry harassment or physical violence and abuse but these days the reasons are so naive, vulnerable and at times even really lame in most cases (of course there are exceptions with issues like infidelity or lack of consummation due to some physical or psychological disorder which is purely left to the individuals to handle).

  

Well, I am no expert marriage counselor or a physiatrist but with my limited knowledge about marriage from my more than 7 years of married life with my husband (still going strong) I do comprehend the challenges and odds that a marriage poses to have a happily-ever-after story. The first phase probably close to a year or sometimes even more in a few cases of a marriage is certainly not a bed of all roses. It involves a lot of adjustments and compromises in terms of understanding each other’s daily habits, behaviour or even practices albeit they knew each other very well before marriage. Things definitely change after marriage but it is in one’s hands to shape it positively for a better future together. Every individual is different and every marriage may have different rules and priorities but to save a marriage and keep it lasting there are only 3 basic golden rules which would be understanding each other, compatibility and accepting each other as the way they are (of course with certain amount of compromises for each other because no one is perfect).

I hope the younger generation finds their soul mate in the person they marry and live their fairy tale vision for a positive society and a better tomorrow!


Statistics and data source mentioned in the above post is as read from
http://m.hindustantimes.com/sex-and-relationships/how-and-why-number-of-young-indian-couples-getting-divorced-has-risen-sharply/story-mEuaEoviW40d6slLZbGu6J.html

SOCIAL-MEDIOPHILIA

I often wonder what will happen to this world without the myriad forms of social media. Well apparently a major part of this social networking obsessed human civilization might cease to subsist because a world without social media is like air without the oxygen supply (I might obviously be one of them).

Every morning the first thing I would do (probably every other person of this so-called gadget freak generation) as soon I wake up is NOT look at the vibrant sunshine with its mystical rays falling through the window on my cot or hear the chattering cacophony of the birds chirping from the mango tree outside my house or be distracted by the noise of clutter of plates dropped into the kitchen sink by the lady in my neighboring house after preparing breakfast for her husband and kids, BUT look at the shimmering glow emitted by my SMARTPHONE screen hoping to see with my half closed eyes for some notifications on my Whats App, Facebook or Twitter. Even amidst a busy work schedule a little beep from my smartphone is sufficient enough to distract me and amplify my inquisitiveness to know what that notification was and from whom. 

Back in 2008, I joined Facebook. It was a hoot at first because it was exciting to connect with all the old friends from grade school, high school, and college that I had lost touch with. But I had to admit, I didn’t really understand it at first. Social networking sites have gained immense power that it defines the self-esteem quotient of an individual who is a part of it and even influences one’s mood. The number of likes for a photo upload or a status update on Facebook would typically define your personality attributing to a boost in your moral and contributing to your chin up. A person who is not on Facebook is probably termed “uncool” and even ostracized and classified as “old-fashioned”.  I quite remember the number of times I used to check my FB account to see if the  photo I had updated last had received any likes and as the count increased, I attained an internal sense of accomplishment ( as though I have reached the pinnacle of Mount Everest after an arduous journey). 

Being famous on Instagram is basically same as being rich in Monopoly. Having an opinion posted on Twitter is the in-thing of the current times. Being on Twitter is unofficially claiming ourselves to be a part of this so-called-intellectual circle. Often on the front page of news magazines/papers I encounter these wars of words called the Tweets between famous celebrities highlighted in bold. These people incessantly keep fretting and fuming over some insignificant opinions on them posted by some unwanted elements and abuses them in the same way and millions of people around the country follow these ludicrous conversations. Does this really matter when there are so many economical and political crises in our nation which needs a bigger attention?

At times with advance in Data Science and Artificial Intelligence I am even petrified and intimidated by the scope of access to our personal information by all these social networking websites. Recently one of my cousins had shared me her pregnancy pictures on Google+ and then the next day I received advertisements about contraceptive pills on my Gmail. Then there was this other time when I received e-mail alerts on travel packages after I got some trip photos from some friends. I was stupefied to see how our private information is getting leaked into these media platforms. What if social media is some real human? I don’t think anyone else knows me so well or rather stalks me this close.

Where are we heading to in this mad race of social media/technology addiction? Have we gone too far?

 

Suddenly it dawned to me as I was introspecting about this crazy narcissism and being an avid social media user that it is no different from being a drug abuse – it is yet another addiction in different form cutting us from the real world and driving into this imaginary virtual world of illusion.

I closed my eyes and traveled back in time 25 years ago. I was a five or six year old little girl, naive and my innocence still intact, playing on the street in front of my house with my brother and other real human friends (not like the virtual ones on Facebook). It was an era, a world “sans” Social Media. Relatives and friends throng my house during the festive occasions. Sweets and gifts get interchanged. Kids grew up listening to bedtime stories from their grandparents, visit friends homes for playtime, chit-chat, birthday’s et al. Those were the days with a lot of human interaction- a personal connection with everyone.

Today my five year old son plays on his Nexus tablet, I see the photos of my cousin’s new born on Facebook and send my likes and wishes there, my friends sends me images of cakes for my birthday on Instagram, even the senior citizens like my in-laws/parents in order to cope up with this technology advancement and connect to their kids and other loved ones have adapted to the modern trend and hooked onto Whats App or Facebook (at times intruding the younger generations’ privacy even on these mediums by their inappropriate actions/usage due to lack of clarity of how to use such platforms). Owing to lack of accessibility to the people due to distance, living in different places or other reasons the social media controls the realm and tries to unite people virtually. Although I admit that the social media is not the root of all evil, it has eventually become the emotional, personal, ethical, sentimental controller of all the techno homosapiens.

On a positive note it is evident that these media platforms provide an exposure to a rich source of information and aid in easy communication lest not to forget their flip side. Each of these has their own pros and cons. It is left to one’s discretion to use their positives in an optimal way and not become a prey to their addictive unrestrained usage.  Ahem... looks like I just received a beep alert on my smartphone. Gotta Go <Grin>.