Is life all that complicated? How does one know what he or
she wants? Is there a life without uncertainty or an element of perplexity? Why
does mind meanders often in search of something insatiable? Why does one not
attain a sense of contentment and always want a change or a difference or pursue
something more? These are a few incessant questions out of the myriad other
thoughts that hovers over my mind and boggles me while I attempt to find
answers in vain.
I am a mother in my early 30’s born in the zenith phase of
this booming Millennial era and perhaps I may not carry on so much of those narcissistic
ambitious traits of this generation and still belong a little bit to the
archaic obtuse conventional period of the generation before me. I was a self-satisfied
minimalist with a happy mind frame who quit my job, a career spanning over 7
years that I valued for long to perform duties of raising and nurturing my son
something that I prioritize and value higher than anything else.
While one part of me was proud of and self-absorbed of these
duties that I was catering to as a doting mother, a wife and a perfect
homemaker, the other part of me had these qualms of being incomplete – a sense
of loss of identity. I was a student of immensely meritorious category educated
from one of the prestigious universities of the country, quite successful in
both education and profession who suddenly on a fine day when the motherhood in
me controlled me, I resorted to change the pattern of my life for good leaving
behind all the career aspirations and take up the role of a stay-at-home mom
(SAHM) and raise my son.
But as years passed by and my son’s need and attention for
me declined, I decided that it was time that I should break this humongous
glacier of ice holding me firm and rigid inside the cocoon of my family and emerge
out into the world beyond in the quest of doing something that I am passionate
about before I was lost totally.
A little over a year ago after delving into a few options of
re-purposing my life (most of which did not materialize successfully), I
finally decided to get back to my old job. I was queasy and petrified even as I
was attending multiple interviews walking through the aisle of those corporate
companies, wondering if this is what I wanted - the change that I craved for
months together as the interviewers looked at me waiting to pounce and devour
me like some savage monster. It was then when a gamut of ambiguous mixed
emotions started spiraling within me like a whirlpool carrying me through various
tides of highs and lows and pushed me to this phase of uncertainty and
bewilderment which is what I am going to ramble about perhaps in the next
couple of snippets of my musings 😊
Day
1: I was sitting at my office with a lot of new faces around gawking at me
while I was waiting for my laptop. Over these 6 years of career break I
realized that I had turned into this non-social recluse animal running errands
to my family and mostly indulging in conversations with mothers of similar kind
I had become oblivious of mingling with other kind of people and have a social
life. Software industries, corporate firms were something that I started
despising after I quit my job because of the nature of work and the monotony
revolving it but little did I know that I was going to start my second innings
as a professional in the same old realm of space that was once very familiar to
me but something that I was not very passionate about. Owing to the lack of job
options and the indolence to learn new skills and try a different work space I
chose to get back to the same thing that I was good at but not very intrigued
about.
Day
2: Had a conversation with my manager to transition me to home-based
employee since I had opted for that during my interview and this commute was
such a painful thing that I was enduring. Well, I was told to come for a few
months to office (no definitive time specified apparently) to help me get on
track with the work owing to my long career break. Every day was an ordeal
travelling to the office and the only thing I had wished for was the quick
transition into becoming a home-based employee.
I made few new friends, met the old folks who still survived
in the same organization. There is this famous adage – “Grass is always greener
on the other side”. Albeit I am philosophical and possess emotional and
behavioral intellect, this human mind in me is restless and gets bored too
soon. It was quite a challenge and courage that I had built up to break the
stereotype of just being a SAHM and wanted to venture out something beyond my
comfort zone. A change was indispensable and inevitable at that moment.
Day
60: I am transcending on to Day 60 now. After 2 months of traveling to
office back and forth and not much productive work I finally became a full-time
home-based employee. Well now was I elated and happy that I got what I wanted?
The answer was “No”. The next stage of anxiety and torments followed me or
perhaps what my mind thought so to be.
Home-based Employee Phase
I was given the lead role for a complex study and it was
quite overwhelming considering that I had not had hands-on programming
experience for a long time. I often keep
self-introspecting – “Why did I start working?” What does it mean “I started
working”? Does that mean these 6 years of unpaid, not glorified, imperceptible,
innumerable hours of physical toil - the job of a home-maker means “not working”?
Well, at some point this job became a humdrum, unexciting which coerced me into
venturing something opposite of what I was doing which is why I am here or
pursued it to be here. But this job is not exciting either. Is this an irony or
am I too greedy or baffled about what I really want in life?
After a few panic attacks, swinging through multitude level
of stress disorders and imbalances and not failing to mention the late-night slogging
owing to a plethora of project assignments I turned out jubilant with my
“office work” and even got acknowledged with a couple of awards for my good
work (something I do not get despite being a good home-maker. There is no token
of recognition for a home-maker-multi-tasking-full-time-mom perhaps the reason why my mind sought after something
credit-worthy).
There was no element of thrill in life earlier and now there
is so much of unwarranted roller coaster rides that makes me feel it was a lot easier
when I was just a SAHM, writing my stories and taking care of my family unfazed
by anything – just peace and harmony which I miss most of the times now. But
that sounds simple and awfully boring. What's wrong with me? Have I turned into this complicated
neurotic person with an embroiled state of mind? These are the voices echoing through my brains.
A little over a year and quarter had swept by since I
started this stint. There were multiple whining, ranting and moments of wanting to quit my job
and restore my old mode but with the fear of again getting back to that
home-maker’s depression phase which I suffered previously and also the lack of
a strong back-up plan to continue my life, I postponed the thoughts of leaving
my job and learnt to be a bit more patient and complacent and take things a
little slow probably a deliberate attempt to plummet my insanity levels. I don’t know what’s in store for me or is this an incessant spell
in my life which I might continue to pursue may be in another organization and
turn into another monotonous dreary IT corporate sloth bear.
Day 380: After a lot of thinking I had a long conversation with my
manager to ease my workload and discussed on my work aspirations, about my
struggle to multi-task and juggle between office work and home-work, about the high
volume of project work load instigating an imbalance in my work-life and
eventually at the end of that grueling talk (phew!), my manager kind of temporarily
reduced my work-load. I am a little relaxed at this moment as I am writing this
long-winded soliloquy here yet uncertain about future and the challenges
awaiting me. Will this be a rickety stint that I started a year ago which I might cherish for the rest of my life or is this going to define the rest of my life? Well only time has the answer to this one!
