The Dawn Of A New Me

Is life all that complicated? How does one know what he or she wants? Is there a life without uncertainty or an element of perplexity? Why does mind meanders often in search of something insatiable? Why does one not attain a sense of contentment and always want a change or a difference or pursue something more? These are a few incessant questions out of the myriad other thoughts that hovers over my mind and boggles me while I attempt to find answers in vain.

I am a mother in my early 30’s born in the zenith phase of this booming Millennial era and perhaps I may not carry on so much of those narcissistic ambitious traits of this generation and still belong a little bit to the archaic obtuse conventional period of the generation before me. I was a self-satisfied minimalist with a happy mind frame who quit my job, a career spanning over 7 years that I valued for long to perform duties of raising and nurturing my son something that I prioritize and value higher than anything else.

While one part of me was proud of and self-absorbed of these duties that I was catering to as a doting mother, a wife and a perfect homemaker, the other part of me had these qualms of being incomplete – a sense of loss of identity. I was a student of immensely meritorious category educated from one of the prestigious universities of the country, quite successful in both education and profession who suddenly on a fine day when the motherhood in me controlled me, I resorted to change the pattern of my life for good leaving behind all the career aspirations and take up the role of a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and raise my son.

But as years passed by and my son’s need and attention for me declined, I decided that it was time that I should break this humongous glacier of ice holding me firm and rigid inside the cocoon of my family and emerge out into the world beyond in the quest of doing something that I am passionate about before I was lost totally.

A little over a year ago after delving into a few options of re-purposing my life (most of which did not materialize successfully), I finally decided to get back to my old job. I was queasy and petrified even as I was attending multiple interviews walking through the aisle of those corporate companies, wondering if this is what I wanted - the change that I craved for months together as the interviewers looked at me waiting to pounce and devour me like some savage monster. It was then when a gamut of ambiguous mixed emotions started spiraling within me like a whirlpool carrying me through various tides of highs and lows and pushed me to this phase of uncertainty and bewilderment which is what I am going to ramble about perhaps in the next couple of snippets of my musings 😊

Working in a Corporate Phase

Day 1: I was sitting at my office with a lot of new faces around gawking at me while I was waiting for my laptop. Over these 6 years of career break I realized that I had turned into this non-social recluse animal running errands to my family and mostly indulging in conversations with mothers of similar kind I had become oblivious of mingling with other kind of people and have a social life. Software industries, corporate firms were something that I started despising after I quit my job because of the nature of work and the monotony revolving it but little did I know that I was going to start my second innings as a professional in the same old realm of space that was once very familiar to me but something that I was not very passionate about. Owing to the lack of job options and the indolence to learn new skills and try a different work space I chose to get back to the same thing that I was good at but not very intrigued about.

Day 2: Had a conversation with my manager to transition me to home-based employee since I had opted for that during my interview and this commute was such a painful thing that I was enduring. Well, I was told to come for a few months to office (no definitive time specified apparently) to help me get on track with the work owing to my long career break. Every day was an ordeal travelling to the office and the only thing I had wished for was the quick transition into becoming a home-based employee.

I made few new friends, met the old folks who still survived in the same organization. There is this famous adage – “Grass is always greener on the other side”. Albeit I am philosophical and possess emotional and behavioral intellect, this human mind in me is restless and gets bored too soon. It was quite a challenge and courage that I had built up to break the stereotype of just being a SAHM and wanted to venture out something beyond my comfort zone. A change was indispensable and inevitable at that moment.

               Day 60: I am transcending on to Day 60 now. After 2 months of traveling to office back and forth and not much productive work I finally became a full-time home-based employee. Well now was I elated and happy that I got what I wanted? The answer was “No”. The next stage of anxiety and torments followed me or perhaps what my mind thought so to be.

Home-based Employee Phase

I was given the lead role for a complex study and it was quite overwhelming considering that I had not had hands-on programming experience for a long time.  I often keep self-introspecting – “Why did I start working?” What does it mean “I started working”? Does that mean these 6 years of unpaid, not glorified, imperceptible, innumerable hours of physical toil - the job of a home-maker means “not working”? Well, at some point this job became a humdrum, unexciting which coerced me into venturing something opposite of what I was doing which is why I am here or pursued it to be here. But this job is not exciting either. Is this an irony or am I too greedy or baffled about what I really want in life?

After a few panic attacks, swinging through multitude level of stress disorders and imbalances and not failing to mention the late-night slogging owing to a plethora of project assignments I turned out jubilant with my “office work” and even got acknowledged with a couple of awards for my good work (something I do not get despite being a good home-maker. There is no token of recognition for a home-maker-multi-tasking-full-time-mom perhaps the reason why my mind sought after something credit-worthy).

There was no element of thrill in life earlier and now there is so much of unwarranted roller coaster rides that makes me feel it was a lot easier when I was just a SAHM, writing my stories and taking care of my family unfazed by anything – just peace and harmony which I miss most of the times now. But that sounds simple and awfully boring. What's wrong with me? Have I turned into this complicated neurotic person with an embroiled state of mind? These are the voices echoing through my brains.

A little over a year and quarter had swept by since I started this stint. There were multiple whining, ranting and  moments of wanting to quit my job and restore my old mode but with the fear of again getting back to that home-maker’s depression phase which I suffered previously and also the lack of a strong back-up plan to continue my life, I postponed the thoughts of leaving my job and learnt to be a bit more patient and complacent and take things a little slow probably a deliberate attempt to plummet my insanity levels. I don’t know what’s in store for me or is this an incessant spell in my life which I might continue to pursue may be in another organization and turn into another monotonous dreary IT corporate sloth bear.

Day 380: After a lot of thinking I had a long conversation with my manager to ease my workload and discussed on my work aspirations, about my struggle to multi-task and juggle between office work and home-work, about the high volume of project work load instigating an imbalance in my work-life and eventually at the end of that grueling talk (phew!), my manager kind of temporarily reduced my work-load. I am a little relaxed at this moment as I am writing this long-winded soliloquy here yet uncertain about future and the challenges awaiting me. Will this be a rickety stint  that I started a year ago which I might cherish for the rest of my life or is this going to define the rest of my life? Well only time has the answer to this one!

PARENTING – A BOON OR A CURSE

Child birth is undoubtedly one of the most euphoric moments in any parents’ lives that bring the tears of joy in every eye. While we celebrate this jubilant occasion, a large part of us remain oblivious or miss to notice that big package of responsibility and challenges posed to parenting that comes along with this little cupid. I am no expert in child or teen psychology, still in my nascent stages of parenting (raising my six year old son), desired to take this forum to unleash some of my first hand experiences on raising children (albeit my purview to this could be limited on practical end but profound on theoretical and observations from near and dear ones) and on a larger scale wanted to share something that perturbed me in the recent past. 

A couple of weeks ago as I was randomly surfing through some news on the internet, I inadvertently bumped into this amazing lecture delivered by a psychology professor from Harvard university (translated into an article) about the mentality of adolescent and teenage kids of the recent era across the globe.  A plethora of topics was covered that includes the exposure, knowledge, interests, focus etc. of these kids but something that captured my attention and left me into deep thoughts was about the high level of mental and emotional sensitivity of these kids, lack of endurance to achieve success, a large extent of being an introvert working mostly in a covert manner and the inevitable peer & parental pressure on them. 

With the rapid modernization of our lives most of the families these days breaks down into nuclear shells.  A majority of these nuclear families resort to having only single kids (owing to lack of time to dedicate for these kids growth/financial or economic factors/personal choice etc.).  These highly pampered kids evolve into emotionally weak and sensitive ones, dependent and unable to accept failures or disappointments in life. These mental/psychological conditions of course cannot be generalized or categorized only for single kids as it happens for kids with siblings too.  

Recently a teenage girl probably sixteen or seventeen years old from the family of a prominent celebrity in the Indian film industry ran away from her home and this news spread like wild fire becoming the cynosure of media and people. I happened to watch this press conference meeting on YouTube set up by her mother and aunt pleading the media and the police to help them find their daughter.  While they believed that their daughter was abducted and did not return from school, in reality she had left her home without notification, furtively, travelled all the way to a neighbouring city and found shelter in some Christian hostel with the limited cash that she managed to carry from her home. The poignant speech given by her distraught mother crying and begging for her daughter to come back ripped me apart.  Although I do not intend to be judgemental or come with some preconceived notions of shifting the blame entirely on the child or the parents owing to the lack of clarity of what really happened to the girl that triggered her do something like this, yet this girl’s action is scary, deplorable and stigmatic.  This is not something novel, there are similar incidents happening in many places with teenage or younger kids running away from home or even worse end up becoming suicidal leaving their parents behind into an unfathomable plight inflicted with utmost agony that might probably haunt them for the rest of their lives. 

I was left in grave shock and disbelief of how this girl could put her parents through this dismal phase.  Or rather what factors forced this girl to take this extreme risk/step in her life that faltered her mother and father as parents? Is it that academic pressure from parents or peers unable to cope up with the challenges of this competitive world or is it the intolerance towards negative criticism that is embarrassing or daunting or is it the impatience towards attaining success (as they want everything easy and quick) or is it a dejection due to failure or it could range over myriad other reasons starting from a bullying at school, physical or personal issues like parental arguments or may be a divorce at home. Well, the reasons are many but the question here is how do we help our kids handle them?

There is no specific rule book to parenting as some tips and tricks might help in a few instances but may not help in others.  When our kids commit a mistake definitely reprimanding them by physical or verbal abuse is never a solution. It might only make the situation worse.  Embracing them with love and compassion and guiding them by pointing out their mistakes at the right time politely might help. Of course we should also be cognizant of the fact that the love and affection we shower on them should not come at a cost of spoiling our kids. So it’s a way of smart parenting that probably we all, as better parents should learn. We should help them comprehend that a negative feedback is not detrimental rather instrumental on a positive front aiding in their personality growth and development. We should motivate them that failures are only stepping stones to success, that it is perfectly OK if they are not a laureate or a genius, make them realize that no one is perfect here which would in turn encourage them to evolve from their naive and vulnerable self into a more confident, strong and a better individual ready to face and fight the savage reality of life.

As a closing note, parenting is certainly a boon, a blessing in disguise and not a threat. Like how every child is unique in their own way so is every parent. Each of them have their own style of raising their kids and are proud about it. It’s just that we should help our kids and as ourselves not succumb under pressure, take life in a positive spirit and emerge as better humans!!

The Tale of a Friendship – An unsolvable conundrum

Tamil Nadu, a south Indian state (often collectively addressed as Madras or Madrasis by the rest of the ignorant India) was rather quiet to the outside world and probably best known for its Kollywood and coffee, has suddenly garnered a lot of attention and has become the cynosure of the national media since the wake of the tumultuous and unprecedented events risen due to the latest political coup/crisis in the state preceded by the disastrous Cyclone Vardah , Jallikattu and Ennore oil spill. Or apparently I should date back this whole nation turning its heads towards this Dravidian state to the untimely demise of their charismatic statesman, a now demi-god J.Jayalalitha (fondly called by epithet “Amma” by her fellow citizens). Nonetheless the woman in me (and a Tamil myself) has undoubtedly admired and inspired by this iron lady for her fortitude and power in this male dominated society was rather left in grave shock and disbelief about her unanticipated demise. Not a great follower of Tamil Nadu politics, but my inquisitive brains were tickled and kindled to learn more about this magnificent lady since her death as I delved into her glorious history since her times of cinema, politics and her unbreakable, ever-lasting comradeship with V.K. Sasikala.

As I was reading through plethora of stories about these two ladies, the blossom of their friendship, the controversial theories about their intimate relationship, I was quite befuddled or rather left wondering about Jayalalitha, a lady I furtively admired. Although it was known that Sasikala, was only introduced to her for aiding her as a domestic help, their relationship became something bigger than that of a mistress and an attendant. Jayalalitha was often criticized for her populist politics fostering a personality cult, tyranny with her cadre members prostrating to her and her dictatorial dogmas; might not have been a laureate or a degree holder from elite educational institutions but she was extremely talented, skillful in fields of art, politics and commerce, knowledgeable and scholarly owing to her voracious penchant to reading.

Despite being a supremo to the world outside her, she probably was a loner from inside. In the loss of her father at 2 years, mother at 22 years and absence of a close family, she was in dire need of a companion to share her joy and miseries, to spend a life of a simple girl fulfilling her smaller desires or cravings and that’s how probably Sasikala became her confidante. This is where I was surprised how a wise person like Jayalalitha chose a benighted Sasikala as her close friend. My obtuse presumptions about people with like mind possibly tend to become allies was not all correct in this case of two friends. Although I tried not being judgemental, when I heard two of her (Sasikala) speeches owing to the recent developments in the state there was an utter lack of clarity, oration, diction and relevance to subject apparently leaving me in despair how a person of this stature could possible become the next ruling leader of a state (keeping aside her share of unscrupulous criminal allegations and the hypothetical conspiracy theories about her association in Jayalalitha’s uncanny death). 

Evidences point out that Sasikala and her so called Mannarkudi clan were ostracized and banished by Jayalalitha from her residence Veda Illam twice due to betrayal, she benevolently welcomed Sasikala back to her home after the latter issued a heart-melting apology letter to her. Is this the true Jayalalitha, a person known for reacting out of vengeance has turned all this forgiving types? Or is she a person who could probably fall an easy prey to flattery and adulation? Although she appears as an austere and a smart tough master outwardly, probably from inside she seems to be extremely sensitive, emotional and vulnerable.

This could be quite a personal affair between Jayalaitha and Sasikala but this emotional strings attached between these two ladies who called each other their soul-mates certainly strikes the curiosity cord of a large public who had been watching their enigmatic relationship. These inexplicable secrets will be forever buried in the heart of her living friend and in her graves.

And finally to address today’s crisis if only had Jayalalitha identified her suitable political successor/second-in-line ( technically which she never wanted to) while she was around, all this apocalypse in the state could have been warded off and probably her soul-mate (Sasikala) who is aspiring to take charge of her departed friend’s throne (claiming to have her right to rule owing to their 33 years long friendship) would have been posed with lesser challenges and indebted for the rest of her life!

SPLITSVILLA – Where Is This Nation Heading To??

Today the whole country have been ranting and whining about the latest implementation – the demonetization drive initiated by our honorable Prime Minister. While there is an uproar and fracas about this issue all over our nation something else captured my attention and left me in grave shock and unfathomable thoughts as I was flipping through the pages of my news paper – the rising cases of divorces especially amidst young and newly married couples. In the beginning it was only my portion of entertainment and gossips while skimming through the page 3 section of my daily editorial with news about some South Indian and Bollywood celebrities, eventually my fascination about this fantasy world died down to sheer confusion and disappointment as I encountered the news about the separation between some famous south Indian movie celebrities. A few months ago the paper was flooded with the news about the divorce between the Roshan couples (Hrithik and Sussanne Khan) who were married for 14 years and then later it was all about the infamous couple from the Salman Khan family (Arbaaz and Malaika Arora) who were also married for a long time.

Suddenly it dawned to me that because these people are some public figures their private life issues are being discussed blatantly by common folks like us and how their once upon a time rosy married life has come to an end disgraceful to the limelight. But the savage reality and the truth is that there has been an exponential rise in the number of divorce cases filed in India in the recent times by a lot of young and newly married couples who are no celebrities but some ordinary men and women whom we know or live around us. 

Quite recently I recollected an article published on Times of India news magazine with some staggering and mind-boggling statistical figures of the number of divorces filed primarily in the urban, suburban and cosmopolitan parts of India like Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata and Bangalore.  Every 13 out of 1000 marriages are ending in divorce as against 1 in 1000 ten years ago. In the olden times it was believed that  breaking of marriages are more common in the western countries and India known for its heritage and cultural values are more resilient and sustain a long lasting marriages. But in the modern times there has been an unusual trend in our country with increase in divorce rates as witnessed by the family courts. It is terrible and mind harrowing to see young couples married for hardly a few months stacked in front of the family courts seeking for divorce.

These incidents hit me real hard when something like that happened to one of my good old friend. I was perplexed when I heard that they were parting ways for good because these were people very much in love and courting for years and indeed desperate to get married but within a short span of three months since their marriage they decided to part ways from each other. All my conviction and faith about the age old traditional and conventional institution of marriage began to falter a little bit. Although my earlier presumptions were that such things happens only with people who undergo an arranged marriage my belief shattered as I heard and read more stories about people who knew and loved each other for really long decided to end their marriage in a rather sour and bitter state.

What really goes wrong when a man and woman in love decide to stay together under one roof after marriage?

They cite a range of reasons for their irreconcilable differences - the waning influence of the family and joint family; unwanted and ostensible interference of the parents; the growing psychological and financial independence of women; late marriages resulting in a greater reluctance to compromise or change set ways and lifestyles. The greatest difference, however, is in the willingness to end a marriage that is not working. Why is it that the urge in ending a marriage is not displayed in trying to mend the inconsistencies in a marriage?

What happened to our parents or grandparents who had their marriages that lasted for more than 40 or 50 years together? Was that a myth? Does that mean they were 100% compatible, or never had had any arguments or differences in their opinions? The major difference was that these people had the perseverance and immense tolerance level to shove away the unwanted issues that crops up and attempts to ruin their marriage. Those days people approached courts to end their marriages in really serious issues like dowry harassment or physical violence and abuse but these days the reasons are so naive, vulnerable and at times even really lame in most cases (of course there are exceptions with issues like infidelity or lack of consummation due to some physical or psychological disorder which is purely left to the individuals to handle).

  

Well, I am no expert marriage counselor or a physiatrist but with my limited knowledge about marriage from my more than 7 years of married life with my husband (still going strong) I do comprehend the challenges and odds that a marriage poses to have a happily-ever-after story. The first phase probably close to a year or sometimes even more in a few cases of a marriage is certainly not a bed of all roses. It involves a lot of adjustments and compromises in terms of understanding each other’s daily habits, behaviour or even practices albeit they knew each other very well before marriage. Things definitely change after marriage but it is in one’s hands to shape it positively for a better future together. Every individual is different and every marriage may have different rules and priorities but to save a marriage and keep it lasting there are only 3 basic golden rules which would be understanding each other, compatibility and accepting each other as the way they are (of course with certain amount of compromises for each other because no one is perfect).

I hope the younger generation finds their soul mate in the person they marry and live their fairy tale vision for a positive society and a better tomorrow!


Statistics and data source mentioned in the above post is as read from
http://m.hindustantimes.com/sex-and-relationships/how-and-why-number-of-young-indian-couples-getting-divorced-has-risen-sharply/story-mEuaEoviW40d6slLZbGu6J.html

PURSUIT OF LOVE

Chapter 1

I was seated at table 5 of Hotel Green Gardenia, a plush restaurant at the heart of the Bangalore City.  This place was a frequent hub for me and a couple of my other friends where we usually dined and caught-up on various events together during our college days. It had been a few years, probably close to 6 or 7 years since I last visited this hotel. A place that was so familiar and close to my memories suddenly turned out to be queer and unknown as I my eyes raced around the changes in the place while I was taking a sip from the glass of water that the waiter had placed on my table. I was striding through a roller coaster ride of mixed emotions – nostalgia, anxiety, nervousness and a little fear. I was waiting for my first date - A blind date set-up by my aunt, Lily. I turned 31 years a month ago. Although I was beaming with an indomitable spirit and an unfaltering self-confidence of being this single, fabulous and independent working woman, my family looked upon me empathetically, their conservative minds calling me “unsettled”, fretting about me still being a bachelorette while all my friends and peers of my age were busy raising their own families with most of them having two kids. 

It was half-past six in the evening. Victor and I were supposed to meet at 7.00 p.m. I was half hour early to brace myself for this bizarre encounter with a man whom I have never acquainted with before, in order to bury the feeling of awkwardness within me and put-up my best self before him. Victor was five years older than me, a divorcee working as a senior marketing manager in one of the premier and elite banking sector. He lives with his mother here in Bangalore and has an older brother who is settled in New Delhi with his wife and a daughter. I was not unhappy or upset over the fact that Victor was a divorcee (albeit a little curious to know why he divorced his wife) after all what else can I anticipate at my age when I should have ideally dated the eligible bachelors in the city during my twenties while I was busy pursuing my thesis in Atomic Physics. The laurels/accomplishments and adulation that I had gained and now working as the most competent lecturers in the city and the  youngest Head of  Physics Department for one the most prestigious University in the country is not counted or even valid as against my label in this society – “single and old”.

As I was preoccupied with my trail of thoughts, I failed to realize the time running. Suddenly I looked at my watch and noticed that it was 7.30 p.m. and Victor was still not there. I was developing a slight sense of shame and humiliation by Victor not showing up yet as my eagerness towards seeing him was dying down. By the time it was 7.50 p.m. I realized he was never going to make it, paid for my 2 glasses of martini and left the hotel furiously. I was exasperated by my aunt’s stupid idea of this date with some unsophisticated stranger who kept a woman waiting and does not even have the courtesy to inform about his not coming.

After my parents untimely demise by a car accident when I was 12 years old, Aunt Lily, younger sister of my mother and her husband Uncle Sebastian stepped forward and took care of me, raised me, and educated me.  They never had kids and treated me as their own daughter and showered all their love on me. Uncle Sebastian works for a small time private finance company. Though his income was meagre he gave me all the best in my life he could afford for and never cared to spend for my education, supported and encouraged me to study as much as I wanted to. As I parked my car and walked towards home I saw my aunt waiting for me with a sense of excitement and anxiety about my meeting. Although I wanted to ambush her I suppressed my rage and went inside with a pale face.

“Sarah what happened? You don’t look OK. Did you meet Victor?” as my aunt enquired I looked at her in dismay and felt sorry that I was a disappointment to her.

“He did not come.”

“Oh! That’s really bad. Did he call you or tell you why he could not make it?”

“No Aunt Lily. I am extremely tired. I would like to retire for the day. Let’s not discuss this further. I am sorry about everything” as I told her and walked to my room I saw my aunt gawking at me perplexed.

Next morning as I was getting ready to leave for work, trying to forget my embarrassment about the previous evening, I received a message on my phone.

“Hello Sarah! This is Victor here. I am extremely sorry about last evening. I was unexpectedly caught in some meeting until late in the night with some important foreign delegates and hence could not make it for the dinner and neither could inform you. If you can apologize me and please accept my invite to meet me today at the same place and same time I will be immensely delighted. Please let me know and sorry once again.”

I heard my heart beating faster twice than normal. My hands were trembling a little. I have neither had had any male friends nor interacted with any men closely before in my life. I was feeling something different within deep under, butterflies in my stomach as I read that message. It was a very unique yet a pleasant feeling. I was surprised that Victor had my number. Probably Lily aunty might have given it to his mother. Lily aunty and his mom meet at the church every Sunday. This whole meeting was set-up by both of them.  I was foolish and did not bother to take his number before meeting him at the hotel though my aunt insisted. I quickly saved his number but did not respond to his message.

At the university I was contemplating hard wondering if I should meet him. Unable to conceal my inquisitiveness to see him, I finally decided. At around 5 p.m. almost 9 hours after I received his message, as I was driving my car back home, I chuckled to myself with my ego contented in having him kept waiting for my response hoping that he would also be anxious to see my reply as much I was the last evening.

I parked my car and started messaging.  

“Hi Victor! I was immensely disappointed and humiliated about last evening. I waited there for almost an hour. Although I was terribly mad at you, after reading your message today morning and after giving serious thoughts I decided to give one last chance for our meeting. (Hoping that I would not be left embarrassed again). Let’s meet at Hotel Paradise opp. to Safina Plaza at 7.00 p.m. tomorrow. Bye.”

I took a deep breath and pressed the send button and saw the status that my message was delivered successfully. I chose a different venue this time because I did not want to be mocked at or ridiculed by the Green Gardenia Hotel waiters/staff after that incident. Instantly my phone beeped - 1 new message from Victor. I opened and read the message.

  
“Sorry again about last evening. Will surely be there tomorrow at 7.00 p.m. See you. Bye.”

That’s all? Well that was not how I imagined his reply to had been. Probably a little bit of drama would have been nice. Anyway I was glad about his approach and for a start this was just OK.

 Chapter 2

We informed each other about our attire as a mark of identification for the meeting day- correction – the dating day. I chose to wear my favourite white ruffled tops matching my black denim jeans. With their adorable girlish charm, ruffles at the necklines add an elegant look to my petite stature and wheatish complexion. I neatly combed my silky long straight hair and tied a high pony. A slight work on my eyes with my Lakme eyeliner and Lakme pink gloss for my lips I was convinced as I saw the reflection of the lights in my rooms through the mirror and refracting out from the small dimple on my left cheeks.

I decided to be there at the venue not anytime before 7 p.m. and reached the place 10 minutes past seven. There at the entrance of the hotel I saw a tall, slightly well built man with a dark clean shaven face in his Black Polo T-shirt matching his Louis Philippe Kakhi trousers. Victor was certainly one of the charming men out there. I noticed that he had a small tummy protruding out from his t-shirt which he was trying to tuck inside consciously as he smiled at me, I convinced myself that it was acceptable for a man in his mid 30’s. 

“Hello Sarah.”

“Hi."

 As we shook hands, I saw Victor walking me to the dining table with a gallant and magnificent charisma drawing my complete attention towards him.

After we exchanged few words of greetings and placed the order for the main course while having our mocktails we gotten into a closer conversation.

“So how is your work at the University going?”

“Uhmm... pretty good. Sometimes I may have to stay back for some special lecture sessions otherwise I usually come home by 6 in the evening. Teaching has always been my passion and I enjoy every bit of my job.”

“Oh that sounds really nice. My job is a little strenuous considering the part that I am into marketing I would have to be traveling a little too often within the country across various zones wherever our branches exist.”

Though I was not very convinced by the fact that I might have to get adjusted to his absence at home too often “if we get married”, I just nodded my head as a gesture of acknowledgement to and understanding his busy work schedule unable to take my eyes fixed on him.

He had a perfect jaw line, his articulation and choice of words were impeccable, and his body language and the confidence with which he carried himself totally blew me off.  If it was for some job interview that I had come to take I was sure he would have made for my definition of a perfect and a best candidate. Apparently this meeting was meant for something else - to discover if we would make for a strong and a loving couple for a happily ever after married life and me being an amateur in this field of love and romance never knew how to scratch a beginning for a personal conversation so restrained in making the first move.

 “So you know that I am a divorcee right?”

There I was startled as Victor questioned me about his past. A past that shows he was once a failure in marriage but we were all taught that failures are stepping stones to success. Can he still make for a perfect husband to me and have that dream marriage? As I was trying to rationalize my thoughts with my alter-ego I spoke to him.

“Yes. I know. My aunt mentioned to me about that.”

“Hmmm... that was like 4 years ago. I was not interested in a re-marriage at all since then. It was my mom who was really obstinate and persistent about finding another suitable life partner for me and forced me into this meeting. My ex-wife Laura and I were married hardly for a year. We realized that we were not the right choice for each other and hence parted our ways off.”

I heard him speak with a lot of queasiness in his voice. I was undoubtedly sure that something unpleasant happened between him and his ex-wife which we was not very comfortable sharing with anyone and definitely not me on our first date.

He continued “It’s something in the past and it is over and I am not too keen on discussing the details. I guess it should be OK with you too?”

As I heard those words flow from his mouth I felt a terrible sense of uncanny ambience around him, around his past, some details which he was not ready to divulge probably wanting to conceal from me. He avoided looking at me while he told that instead was focussing on devouring his fruit and nut sundae that we ordered for the dessert.

Although my mind and heart wanted to know every bit of the details about his past, about his marriage failing, quite reluctantly I chewed my lips and lied that it was OK and that I was only interested in his present and “our” future.

After we were done with the dinner, Victor settled the bills (as an act of displaying his chivalry) and then we moved to the entrance of the hotel to bid adieu.

“It was very nice meeting and talking to you Sarah. Hope I made up for the mistake of not showing up last time” he winked at me.

I was undoubtedly allured and impressed by his charisma except for his little secret which I thought I would unravel in course of time.

“Certainly it was a pleasure meeting you too. I had a good time. Thank you.”

“Well! I think we should meet and talk too often and get to know each other better. Considering the fact that both of us are busy, I guess we should also find time to meet and bond. I hope you would be OK with this idea?”

The idea of meeting and talking to him again intrigued me. I know I wanted that too but very subtly concealing my admiration for him I conceded with him.

“OK. Great! Uh...so would you like me to drop you home? I guess it has become a little late for you?”

“No. That’s fine. I have got my car. I can drive back home. Thank you for offering.”

We shook hands again and waved at each other and headed home. On my way back my mind was completely preoccupied by our first meeting and I was cherishing every moment we shared. I was eagerly looking forward to our next date.

Chapter 3

Victor had traveled for a week on official work. I began to feel the vacuum in his absence. A month swung by since we started officially dating each other and if what I feel everyday waking up starting my day thinking only about Victor is called “being in love” then certainly “I am in love”. I still remember my college days vividly when I used to be sincerely GHOTing (GHOT – Generating Heat over Table) while a few of my class mates used to be enjoying their fairy tale love stories on the campus. I thought they were stupid and silly while I realized now how ignorant I was not having experienced the beautiful phase of my teenage or post teenage. Victor had been the gentlest, dignified and sophisticated man I had ever been with. He was warm, kind, endearing and concerned a lot about me. The day before he had travelled to Cochin for his work we caught up for a movie, a romantic thriller. I was focussed only on the romance part of the movie and experiencing an exquisite feeling of sitting beside Victor, slightly leaning on his shoulders (though we had not gone any physical beyond this point probably like holding hands at the max but it was a great feeling – the smallest and the simplest way of displaying copious affection).

It was a Sunday evening. I was delighted and anxious as Victor was to arrive the next day back to Bangalore. After gorging the delicious lunch prepared by my aunt and a refreshing afternoon siesta, I was wading through the TV channels when my aunt struck the anticipated conversation.

“Sarah dear when is Victor coming back?”

“Tomorrow evening Aunt Lily”

“Oh great! It’s been a month since you guys have met and I think maybe I should talk to his parents about your marriage.”

“Oh no Aunt Lily. Please give me some more time. I am enjoying this phase. What is the hurry? Victor and I will decide that and let you know. Please don’t get this topic unless both of us ready” as I retorted to my aunt I knew it was a partial lie – me not being ready yet. I loved him and knew he was the one. But he had not popped that million dollar question yet. He had not proposed me yet. I had not wanted to be the first person to approach him about the marriage. I wanted to have the conventional yet that enchanting process of a boy proposing the girl. I decided to wait.

Tuesday evening, a day after Victor arrived, we both met at our regular coffee shop. Victor was talking about his trip, about his next official schedule, enquiring about my work, and some other general things, while I was listening to him pensively wondering how anyone could divorce an amazing person like him at the same time thanking the almighty for sending him for me.

After finishing our cappuccino and cheese sandwiches, I paid the bills for a change (though he was not very happy about that and conceded after I insisted) we were set to leave the shop when Victor bumped into a police inspector.

“Hello sir, long time... How are you?” as the inspector spoke to Victor astonished to see him, as though he was a well known acquaintance but Victor’s face looked befuddled at the inspector as though he reminded him of something dismal from the past.

“Uh... hello inspector. I am fine. Thank you. How are you?”

“Very well sir. Not seen you around for a very long time. How are things now... you look like a changed man and happy...? Looks like you have got a new friend too...” as the inspector smirked at him, throwing a lecherous gaze at me. I felt disgusted.  Victor was holding my hands tight.

“Well. Yes inspector. Things are better.  I have got to leave now. Nice meeting you. Bye.” Victor dragged me out of the coffee shop and scurried towards his car not giving me a chance to turn back and see that inspector again.

As we settled inside his car and Victor driving at a rapid pace, I was stupefied and jolted with what had happened some moments back.

“Who was that? Do you know that policeman?”

Victor did not respond to my question. He was lost in some thoughts brooding over.

“Victor, are you hearing me? Who was that guy? Why do you look disturbed? Could you please drive a little slow?”

“Hey I am really sorry. He... uh...was someone who helped me...uh... with some legal issues at the office.  Yeah... that was like so long ago and I could not even recognize him until he spoke. Anyway it was nothing significant Sarah. Please don’t bother about him.”

Throughout my ride back home Victor did not utter a word after that. A graveyard silence prevailed between us. I knew that Victor was lying or probably concealing something from me. What could it be? Why does Victor look so petrified and distraught? I did not want him to be annoyed and hence not asked him any questions further. He dropped me, said nothing, grimaced at me and drove away.

Victor had not called me for two days. I decided to meet him at his house after work. I informed Aunt Lily that I was going to visit Victor and hence would be late.

I parked my car in front of his gate. I had been here only once earlier, the day before Victor travelled to Cochin. I barely stayed for ten or fifteen minutes, spoke to his mom, Maria, when Victor escorted me for the movie.

I rang the bell, waiting at his doorstep, when his mom opened the door. Victor’s mother, unlike Victor was fair skinned, slightly stout and short. She had short curly hair and had a queer habit of batting her eyelashes rapidly every time she completes speaking a sentence.

“Hello Sarah. What a pleasant surprise. Please come inside.” She told that and fluttered her eyelashes like some teenager trying to impress her beau on her first date. I found that funny but tried hard to control my laughter.

“Hello Aunty. Is Victor home?”

“He has just gone out. He will be back anytime. Please sit down. I will get something for you to drink.”

“It’s OK aunty. Please don’t take any troubles.”

“Oh c’mon dear. Don’t be so formal.  Last time you stayed for a very brief time. I will get some tea and biscuits. Please feel at home.”

She was sweet. I hoped she would remain this way even after my marriage with Victor breaking this conventional image about mother-in-laws turning into monster-in-laws.

“What are these albums aunty?” I asked her as I noticed a couple of old photo albums kept on the sofa.

“Oh... they are some old albums honey. I used to see them sometimes when I am bored. Somehow felt like taking a glimpse of these old photos today. Why don’t you also take a look? There are Victor’s school, college albums, birthday parties and Christmas celebrations photos that we took a few years ago. Keep seeing while I get some tea.” She handed me the albums and went inside the kitchen.

I skimmed through the albums giggling to myself looking at an adolescent Victor. He was lean, tall and had a caterpillar like moustache. He looked handsome then like how he was now. I was intrigued by seeing various profile pictures of Victor on different occasions as I picked his college album next. Suddenly a single loose photo fell from the album. I picked the photo and captured a quick look. My heart skipped a beat as my eyes stayed fixed on that photo. It was a reflection of Victor’s past in front of me. Victor and his ex-wife, probably one of their wedding photo, not sure how only this photo sneaked into Victor’s college album. Plethora of thoughts ran through my mind. I was wondering if Victor was missing his wife looking at this photo and slid it into this album unknowingly or his mother was seeing this photo probably wondering how her ex-daughter-in-law looked so graceful and stunning or it came by mistake into this album. Was she his high-school love interest that did not last after a marriage? I was perspiring and breathing hard. I pushed aside all my obtuse presumptions from my mind. I knew Victor was over this relationship, over her. She was his past and no longer exists. I knew Victor loves me though he has never mentioned it explicitly until today. I gingerly kept the photo back into the album as I saw his mother coming from the kitchen with a tray of biscuits and tea.

After almost forty-five minutes later, Victor returned home. He apologized to me for not calling stating that he was really busy with work and never had time to call me. I convinced myself to believe him. We are not some immature lovers to fight over some trivial issues. We spoke for some time at his home, he later made some plans for the weekend with me and then I left.

At home, I was contemplating about Victor’s sudden and abnormal change in behaviour after that bizarre encounter with some police inspector, the coincidence of me seeing his wedding photo where both of them looked so lovely as a couple, Victor’s childish lies. I was perplexed. There was only one question that haunted me throughout that night. Why did Victor divorce such a beautiful girl when they appeared like so much in love or were they not? I was twitchy, tossing on my bed, tiring myself with incessant questions and thoughts, finally retired weary.

Chapter 4

The final semester examinations had begun at my college. I was busy setting up the Physics question papers for the second and the third year science students keeping aside my thoughts about Victor and his clandestine past temporarily. It was rather a tough week at the university. I had to invigilate for a couple of examinations. Sometimes I was held at the college in the evening for administration and management meetings and hence could not meet Victor for a while due to my tight schedule. Just like my excited students I too was exhilarated as the examinations drew to a closure and looking forward to spend my semester holidays with Victor. I finished all the paper correction work much in advance and preserved my vacation time as much as possible.

That evening I called Victor after almost a week.

“Hi Victor, How are you? Sorry I was really busy with the exams at college.”

“Hey Sarah... no problem at all. I understand. Apparently I missed you a little bit.” He told that with a slight sense of coy in his voice.

My joy knew no bounds when I heard those words. Suddenly I felt like some teenage lover and blushed.

“I missed you too. Hey why don’t you come over for dinner to my place this weekend? I hope you might be free. Indeed Aunt Lily wanted to meet you too. It’s been a while since you last came here.”

“Hey that’s really sweet but I am sorry. There is a client meeting day-after-tomorrow in Hyderabad and am traveling there for 2 days, Thursday and Friday. I have to prepare some deck that I would be presenting to them.”

There was a brief pause from both our end after he told that. I had not seen him for quite some time and now I had to brace myself to his non-availability for yet another couple of days. I felt a lump in my throat. He continued again.

“Hey if you don’t mind I was just wondering if you could accompany me to Hyderabad. I will be occupied only during the day time and the evenings once I am back I will be pretty much free. My office has booked some five-star hotel in Hyderabad and there would be enough room for you too to stay with me. And in the weekend we can go around the city. Is it OK with you? Would you like to come?”

The lump in my throat dissolved. I felt like flying in air. Victor was inviting me to stay over with him for four days. I was spellbound also a little too nervous. Of course he is not some stranger yet the fact that I had to stay with him was not so easy for me to accept. I seldom used to even stay over at my girlfriends house during school or college days and now to stay with a man all alone in a city for 4 days was a little scary.

“Hello! Are you there?” Victor asked.

“Oh yeah...Uh... I need to think and even check with my aunt and uncle. Can I tell you by tomorrow?”

“No issues. Let me know by tomorrow so that I can book the flight tickets for you. Ok then talk to you tomorrow. Take care. Bye.”

“Bye.”

After we hung the phone down, I was inundated into a storm of thoughts. What was I contemplating about? I wondered. I love him and wouldn’t it be fun to stay with him for a few days before marriage? People live-in these days and why were I having these obsolete fears? But will Aunt Lily and Uncle Sebastian be OK with this and most of all was I totally OK with this idea? I was baffled.

It was 8.00 p.m. I was lying on bed in my room as I heard Aunt Lily call me for the dinner. Uncle Sebastian was also home. They had met Victor a month and half ago when he had come to pick me out. It was raining that day and Victor waited at my place for the downpour to subside. Victor interacted with my aunt and uncle for quite some time and they were in total awe with him. Well, who would not be except for his ex-wife I thought and sighed to myself? I decided if my aunt and uncle were OK then I will go with him and marched towards the dining room.

As we were chit-chatting on some general things and having our dinner I raised the topic.

“It’s been a while since Victor and I had met as I was busy with my college examinations and paper correction work. I thought of meeting him and hence invited him to our home and maybe even you guys would be interested to see him...” and before I could finish my aunt remarked.

“Wow! That would be really nice. Sure please invite him home dear. What do you say Sebastian?” as she looked at my uncle who also equally appeared to be excited to meet Victor gestured his acknowledgement, I interrupted.

“Uh... looks like he might not be able to come. He has some client visit in Hyderabad and would be travelling for next 2 days. He asked me if I could join him. He would be busy during the day and would be free during most part of the evening. Also we could stay over the weekend and check around the city. His office has reserved some star-hotel room and there would be enough space for me too. So I thought I will go. What do you both say?” I finished and took a deep breath.

Both of them maintained a stoic silence for a few minutes. I often wonder no matter however old you are Indian parents incessantly worry about their single daughter’s safety and the moment she gets married all their anxiety vanishes as they shrug off their responsibility on to someone else.

“You both would be staying in the same room?” as my aunt dubiously questioned me I anticipated this would have been her first reaction. She must be worried that I might lose my virginity to Victor before marriage while I was thrilled and a little overwhelmed about that exclusive private time that we might share with each other if it happens.

“Well Victor told that it is a suite that has been booked and am sure there must be more than one room. So technically I might not be sharing the same room with him.”

My aunt and uncle looked at each other and exchanged epigrammatic glances and conversed through their eyes. I thought only some experienced married people might be able to fathom these glimpses. After a while my uncle spoke.

“Sarah dear we don’t have any problem with that. You are a grown-up adult and we are sure you that you are a matured enough to know what you are doing. We trust you and Victor too. He is a nice guy. Just stay safe and please call us every day. Hope that is OK with you?”

Wow! I was stupefied in astonishment as I heard my uncle approving my travel with Victor. That was a subtle and gentle way of putting across to me that I had to be in the best of my behaviour.

“Thanks Uncle Sebastian. I will definitely stay in touch with you both all through my trip. Aunt Lily, you did not say anything. Are you are also OK with this plan?”

“Sure dear, if that makes you happy. But as your Uncle told, be careful since it is a new place and though we know Victor and his family just be put and keep us informed about everything. Does his mother know about this plan?”

I felt a little uncertainty in my aunt’s voice as she gave her consent to me and treated me like a school kid going on some excursion.

“I guess so. I have not informed him yet about my plan. I wanted to check with you both and thought of letting him know. So probably once I tell he would let his mom know. Don’t worry Aunt Lily. I will take care and Victor would take care of me.”

As I assured her I saw that she was relieved as she felt the amount of confidence I had on Victor. She smiled at me and nodded her head.

Chapter 5

Victor managed to get me tickets to and fro on the same plane albeit our seating were scattered across. Thursday morning we landed in Hyderabad.  The weather was pretty hot and dry. We took a taxi to our hotel and loaded our baggage in our suite.  The room was classy, well lit and ventilated. It had a huge living room with a couch, one small bedroom cum office space and a compact kitchen unit. There was also a small utility/balcony area adjoined to the drawing room. I felt like it was our pre-honeymoon and tittered to myself. Complimentary breakfasts were part of our stay package. Victor had his meeting with the clients at 11.00 a.m. and went inside to take a shower to get ready for his work while I was relaxing on the couch with my coffee.

At around half past ten after Victor had left for his conference meeting, I was still lying on the couch indolent convincing my torso to get up and freshen. Victor called me twice during the day to check on me. I grabbed some lunch in the hotel we stayed and went to sleep again to overcome the monotony of staying alone. At around 5 p.m. Victor called again.

“Hey how was your day? I know it would have been rather dreary and gloomy today without anyone in a hotel room and a new place” he remarked.

“Well you said that” I smirked.

“Hmm... so to cheer you up and rekindle the spark, I have planned for dinner followed by movie tonight. My meeting for tomorrow has been scheduled post lunch in the noon so I can leave a little leisurely. There is this exquisite Italian cuisine in our hotel neighborhood. It’s called “Chianti”.  I have heard a lot about it and made the reservations for both of us. Be ready. I’ll come and pick you up.”

“Wow! That’s sounds awesome. I will get ready in no time. See you at the hotel.”

At around ten minutes past 6.00 p.m. I was ready waiting in our room for Victor. I wore my favourite green sleeveless chiffon long gown with white retro polka dots matching my white Manolo Blahnik shoes. Victor arrived just in time, freshened up quickly, did not bother to change his office formal clothes, and escorted me to the Italian restaurant.

The ambience of the restaurant was perfectly romantic with dim lighting all over, candles lit on each table and Beethoven Symphony played at the background. We were seated on the table that was diligently reserved by Victor.

“You look pretty in this dress” Victor complimented me.

My cheeks reddened as I heard those words, smiled at him bashful and thanked him. The dinner was great and as we were drawing to a closure with Tiramisu for dessert I was hoping that this was the moment that I had waited for so long. I was hoping that Victor had stealthily concealed the ring in his pocket and was waiting for the right instant to propose. I was preparing myself in my perfect outlook to experience one of the best moments in my life.

“Could you please excuse me? I will just visit the men’s room and be right back?”

 As I saw Victor leaving the washroom I thought he might be nervous too just like me though it might not be the first time for him unlike me.

Suddenly Victor gushed outside from the washroom and came towards me panicking. He was wiping his face perspiring profusely with his white handkerchief.

“Victor, what happened? You don’t look OK.”

“Uh... nothing I am just feeling a little woozy... Shall we head back to our room now?”

“What? Right away? We haven’t settled the bill yet.”

“No issues. We will pay them direct at the billing counter.”

“What happened to you Victor? Why are you so tensed?”

He did not bother answering me, strode towards the billing counter to settle. I teetered after him baffled. Victor was looking back and forth precariously. A tall, fair guy walked past us and Victor tried to hide himself away from him. I was looking at that guy, as he walked outside the restaurant through the front door carrying a food parcel bag in his hand towards the lane opposite to the hotel and disappeared into an apartment in the adjoining lane.

Back at our hotel, Victor locked himself into one of the room while I was seated on the couch staring at the walls unable to fathom him or anything that happened. After a while Victor came out.

“Sarah, I am sorry, I was feeling a little nauseous. It was a long day for me. Guess I need some rest now. Hope you don’t mind. “

“Hey, no problem, I can understand. Hope you are OK now. Do you need any medicines or have any? “

“No I don’t think there is any need for them. I am alright. I need to crash now.”

“Yeah.... sure... please get some sleep.”

“I will sleep here on this couch. You can sleep inside the room.”

“No it’s OK Victor. You need a good tight sleep. I slept hard the entire day. You sleep inside the room.”

“Oh ...no... No... Please I insist. I am comfortable on the couch.”

After changing on to my night pyjamas I was lying on the bed wondering. Do I know Victor enough to marry him? We have been going along for almost five months now. Undoubtedly he had been the loveliest and the warmest person I would love to be with if not for his weird on-off behavior. He is all himself with me - this loving charming type and then something happens so sudden and uninvited, don’t know what it is and he is a changed man. A man I would resent. He becomes this sullen, furtive types shooing me away and cocooning himself into his private space. Can I tolerate this behavior of his my lifetime? Should I not know what is going wrong with him If only I could help him? I was also rather disappointed that the romantic proposal I had dreamt of did not happen. Also even the smallest of excitement - the movie thing did not happen. I decided that I could not endure this inconsistency any longer and thought I should raise this with him before we leave to Bangalore.

Then I was reminded of that uncanny encounter with that tall fair guy. Who was he? Why did Victor try to cover himself away from him? There got to be something about that person that Victor is afraid of to confront. I was curious and wanted to unravel this conundrum.

Chapter 6

Next morning I woke with a post it note put up on the bedside table. I read it.

Hey got a call from office early this morning. My presentation has been advanced to the morning session. So I had to leave in a hurry. I had not wanted to disturb you. Have your breakfast. I will try to wind up soon and be by late afternoon. Bye.

Victor

I took a deep breath. I knew what I wanted to do. I got up, took bath, got ready, went down to the hotel dining hall, had my breakfast – bread omelette  and a cup of coffee and then I headed towards that Italian restaurant we had been last night.

The restaurant was not very far from the hotel we stayed so I walked down the road. I went inside the hotel and checked at the reception desk.

“Hi.”

“Yes madam how I may help you?” asked me a fair blonde receptionist.

“Uh...yesterday I had come here for dinner... I ... uh... noticed one of my old friends walking outside your restaurant carrying a food parcel from here. He walked towards that lane into that apartment opposite to your hotel. Do you know where he resides?”

“Sorry madam. There are hundreds of customers who walk in and out every day to our hotel. We don’t keep track of them.”

“Well...yeah...I understand...He looked like some regular customer to your restaurant. Last night I noticed him going inside that apartment opposite to your hotel so thought you might know. It had been a really long time since I met him and that’s why wanted to check with you.  He is a tall fair looking man probably in his mid 30’s. He also has a French beard.”

“Sorry again. I don’t think I could help you in this. Is there anything else you may want?” she told me rather sternly.

“Oh... uh... no problem. Thank you.”

I left the restaurant standing on the foot pavement feeling like a moron who asked some meaningless random abstract questions to that hotel girl. Then someone called me from behind. It was a waiter working in that Italian restaurant.

“Hello madam, I heard you talking to Sheetal madam.”

I gave him a puzzled expression.

“Uh...that receptionist...”

“Oh...yeah...”

“I think I know that man you were asking about. He is Mr. Roy staying in that apartment. He comes here twice every week and picks up food parcel. He lives in that apartment but I don’t know his flat number. He tips me every time. He had come here last night too. You can ask the security guard of that apartment for his flat number.”

“Oh... thank you so much.”

I gave him 50 bucks for generously sharing me someone’s private information and sped towards the apartment. After five minutes I was there in front of the gate of that small apartment. It had only one block with probably close to 25 odd flats.  I lifted my chin up and read the name of the apartment – ‘Prime Regalis’. I walked towards the security to check about Mr. Roy.

“Hello sir, Could you please tell me where does Mr.Roy stay here? I am his old friend and forgot his house number. I have come all the way from Bangalore to meet him”

“Madam, there are 3 Roy’s here – Himanshu Roy, Shugato Roy and what is that other guys’ name... oh... forget it... I don’t remember. Which one do you want? Unless you tell me his full name I will not be able to check the residents register and give you the flat number.”

Suddenly it dawned to me that ‘Roy’ was just his second name. I was so foolish not to realize this and ask that waiter his first name.  I thought I should go back, find that waiter and ask for Roy’s full name.

“Uh...just give me a moment. I’ll be back...”

“What madam, you forgot his name too? Are you really his friend or trying to fake around with me?” he ridiculed me.

“Oh... no... no... I just remembered that I had left my bag in that restaurant opposite. I’ll pick it up and come. Please give me a moment.”

The watchman was looking at me suspiciously.  Before I could turn back towards Chianti, the Italian restaurant, luck favored me. I saw Roy stepping outside the apartment with someone accompanying him. 

That person had draped the body all over with something like a niqab.

I was apprehensive and skeptical if I should go up to him and strike a conversation when my phone rang. It was Victor.

“Hey where are you? My presentation got over early. I am here in front of our room. The receptionist told that you had gone outside.”

I was flabbergasted. I tried to suppress the anxiety in my voice and spoke to him.

“Hey did not expect you to be back so soon. I was bored in the room so just came outside to try shopping or something. I will come right away.”

“Oh... ok...do you want me to come?”

“No issues... I will be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Ok...”

I hung the phone and looked back to see if Roy was still there. He was gone. I marched towards our hotel as fast as my feet could take me.

I reached the hotel room and saw Victor waiting there.

“Hey, I am sorry for having kept you waiting.”

“Don’t be. Indeed I should have rather called you before I started from work. I thought you must be in the room.”

I opened the door and we went inside. I gulped a glass of water from the water filter.

“Mom had called me. She is down with viral. I did not want to leave her alone at this time...”

“Oh... that’s really bad... did she visit the doctor?”

“I guess not which is why I have cancelled our stay over the next two days and booked our return flight tickets for today evening at 7.30 p.m. That was the latest I could get after the cancellation of our previous return tickets. She will not visit a doctor until I am around. Just pack up your things, we will grab something to eat and leave in a while. I will book the airport taxi.”

Was his mother really taken ill or is Victor trying to run away from Roy and his presence around? That was the first thought that struck my mind. Of course I would not have asked him to stay here in Hyderabad with me for another 2 days when his mother was unwell (if it’s not a lie), but taking me for granted all the time and making his own decisions without soliciting me annoyed me. But I did not express my dismay. I was in my usual form – calm and polite like when every time he behaves strange and disappointed me.

“Oh... ok... That was a sudden change of plan right? I did not quite anticipate this.”

“Yeah... I did not have time to call and check with you as I had to block the flight tickets. It’s a bit of a disappointment for me too. But I am sure we can make it some other time.”

He told that so casually and cold like it is not a big deal at all. Are men always like this, taking women and their emotions for granted, I pondered and questioned myself?

“Yeah...I get that... no big deal... I will get my bags ready and we can leave.” I snapped at him.

In exactly 1 hour we were ready to check-out from our luxury suite and bid adieu to Hyderabad and an unfulfilling trip.

 Chapter 7

After 1 hour and 5 minutes we landed in the Bangalore International Airport. We reached the exit gate and Victor was looking at the pre-paid taxi counter for a drop back home.

“I’ll book a taxi and drop you first and then I’ll go home. Is that OK?”

I cleared my throat and with an unsettled look on my face I spoke to him.

“Victor, do you have few minutes before we leave home? There is something I wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah... sure... What is it?”

“I don’t know if you are genuinely oblivious of your sudden and strange behaviour or you are pretending to be like one. We have known each other for more than five months now and every time we meet I used to think that it would be the moment when you might pop the question but it never happened. Something unusual happens, an encounter with someone you know and you change into a total stranger to me. You become creepy going into your private space, don’t even call me and then come back after few days, apologizing giving me some lame reasons for your bizarre actions. I too pretend to believe your lies. We are grown up adults and I don’t expect chocolates and flowers from you but definitely a sign that I am the one for you. I can’t be living under some false presumptions about our relationship. Indeed I don’t have any shame now to be the first person to confess though I always wanted it to be the other way round. I love you a lot Victor but I don’t know if you are totally into me.

The other day we bumped into some police inspector you probably knew but you lied saying something else about him. Again in Hyderabad last night I knew you were trying to hide yourself away from someone who was leaving the restaurant but you lied saying you were dizzy and dragged me out to our hotel room. I waited patiently every time for you to open up with me but you never did. All you do is come up with some new lies. For a healthy relationship you need to be honest and open. You are a loving, extremely dignified, caring and a warm person which is what has made me crazy about you, but having said I cannot cope up with your odd changes in behavior now and then and covering them up with some stories. If you do really love me then call me otherwise I think it is best we give-up this relationship here and I would carry all the fond and the best memories with you back home.”

I gasped for breath, almost choked when I uttered those last few words and finally sighed after I unleashed my repressed emotions on Victor. He was hauntingly silent throughout my speech and I saw traces of remorse and agony on his face. I cursed myself a little bit for probably having inflicted some pain on his noble soul unintentionally, and with a heavy heart I turned back, took a taxi and drove home.

All the way back home I was wondering what I might tell my aunt and uncle, that I am still a Virgin Mary despite having stayed with Victor for 2 days. Would they believe me? I was sure that my aunt might be more than eager to get our wedding date fixed especially after this trip. I was perturbed and left with deep thoughts. I had informed my aunt about my return to Bangalore only an hour ago at the Hyderabad airport not divulging into any details or reasons for my quick arrival.

I reached home with a feeling as though my life was devastated. I paid the taxi, took my bags and walked towards the door.

“Hi Sarah dear, how was your trip? Come inside” my aunt greeted me with a jubilant smile on her face. God knows what thoughts were running through her mind. I did not speak much.

“I thought you told that you both were going to stay in Hyderabad until Sunday. What happened you are home early?” as she interrogated me like a cop questioning some criminal accused, I went inside my room, dropped the bags down and then headed towards the kitchen, picked a bottle of water from the refrigerator to settle down the traumatic thoughts about my conversation with Victor at the airport.

“His mom is not well. She is down with viral and Victor wanted to stay beside her and probably take to her to some physician. So we had to alter our travel plans and come in advance.”

“Oh that’s terrible. I did not get to speak to Maria even last Sunday. She had not come for the mass at the church. I guess she might not be coming this Sunday too. I will call her. Otherwise how was your trip? Were you able to visit any place?”

“Uh...Not quite Aunt Lily. Victor was busy with his presentations. We managed to go out for dinner yesterday. We thought we could go around during the weekend and... uhhhh...anyway that’s OK.”

My aunt sensed a tone of dejection and disappointment in my voice and my troubled broodings. She realized that the trip did not turn out favourable to me or to her fantasy dreams.

“Oh... I am sorry dear. Uncle Sebastian and I thought you both would be having a good time but it’s OK. He will be still around and you guys can catch up here. Anyway you fresh up now and I’ll serve dinner right away.”

I felt my aunt could have rather stabbed me instead of saying something like that – Victor and me hanging out again. Will that happen? Will he call me? My mind was hounding me.

A week passed by since that catastrophic Hyderabad trip and Victor had not called me yet. Days were growing long and dreary. I began to feel numb and experience a semi break-up distress. Every time my mobile rang or beeped my heart pounded fast and I ran towards my phone hoping it was from him. It was the most difficult and menacing phase of my life as his thoughts reverberated through me. My mind at times tried to trick me to call him and hear his voice but with immense strength I was trying to control my emotions and decided to wait hoping that he might certainly call me some day.

With another twenty more days to go as the semester vacation was drawing to a closure, I was at my University that day to compute the results of my students and check their overall performance. College had decided to announce the results the following week. It was exactly 17 days straight since Victor and I had not spoken to each other. As I was busy preparing the score sheet for my students, the result for my wait came out - my phone beeped. I looked at my phone with my eyes fixed on my mobile screen as I saw the status - 1 message from Victor

I was exalted and nervous at the same time panicking to open and read the message. What could it be? Positive or Negative? I braced myself and began to open the text and read it.

“Dear Sarah, how are you? It took quite a while for me to gather some courage to call you but finally decided to text you instead. In the past few days I had been contemplating only about what you had told me at the airport. It was painful and hurting. Not what you spoke about me but how I treated you. I truly never intended to hurt or disturb you in anyway. I want to meet you and share some things with you in person. Please choose a place where we could meet privately and let me know the venue and time. Until then I will wait for your response. Take care. Bye.”

I read that message probably one hundred times. My heart was aching a little bit due to intense bliss and anxiety. Victor wanted to meet me. I wondered for what – is it to give an explanation/justification for his queer and uncanny behaviour asking for an apology or is it something else. Will he say no for our marriage and kiss me goodbye forever? May be he might have thought that breaking-up over a phone call or a text message might be a little too indecent for our age. I was preoccupied with silly wild thoughts. At the end the only thing that flashed my mind finally was I am going to see Victor after more than a fortnight. May be this meeting could turn out to be our last one but I had to listen to him to give him that one chance. There was this small park lying in half-way to both our places. It was usually calm and seldom people come there. So I thought that would be a perfect, secluded and a tranquil place for both of us to meet, for Victor to “share” whatever he wanted to. Without much hesitation or any further delay I replied to his text message.

“Hello Victor, glad to read your message after a long time. Hope you are in good health.  Sure, we can meet this Saturday, at St. Vincent Park at 3.30 p.m. It’s usually a serene place and we can talk there. Hope you know this place. Let me know. Bye.”

Instantly I received his reply.

 “Hey thanks for your response. I know this place. We can meet there as you told. See you.”

Well, that was quite a formal to and fro messaging I thought. I finished the score sheet for my students and saw some of my favourite ones have secured good marks. I hoped my meeting with Victor would also turn fruitful and with those thoughts I left for the day.

Chapter 8

On Saturday, I reached St. Vincent Park right on time. It was a small circular park with the central region filled with plethora of beautiful and colorful flowers planted and surrounded by few benches for the visitors to sit. Some old men and women came there for their daily walking on the lane between the benches and the flowers but mostly during the early mornings. Afternoons are usually silent without any humanly intervention. As I went inside I saw Victor sitting on one of the benches, looking at his watch, shaking his legs impatiently. My eyes were fixed on his charming persona even as he was just in his casual attire wearing some t-shirt and track pants. I realized this was not any romantic date and probably some serious one. I became uncomfortably conscious as I marched towards him.

“Hi Victor... looks like you have come early?” I struck the conversation rather confidently and nonchalantly hiding the discomfort in my heart behind.

“Hi... Uh... no just came ten minutes back. Please sit.”

He offered me space to sit beside him on that small bench where usually some teenage lovers sit closely gliding into each other’s arms, sneaking furtively into some solitary place like this to fulfil their fantasy passions.

After exchanging some formal greetings and enquiries about the well being of his mom, my aunt and uncle we remained quiet for a little while. Then before I could ask him the real reason for the meeting he started to speak.

“Sarah, I am really happy that you came. There is something dark and unpleasant that happened to me which has made me this kind of unfavourable person you had seen sometimes. Well to be honest and to start with, I really like you a lot and indeed I am very happy whenever I am with you free from all the things that torment me in my life.”

My face brightened as I heard those words from Victor. I felt a little relieved from inside as he continued speaking.

“You are extremely intelligent, sweet and adorable and any man should be lucky to have you in his life. I wish it was me though I will leave the decision to you only after you listen to me, about me.”

I was totally focussing and concentrating on him and his words.

“I am not sure if you remember about my ex-wife Laura?” as he gave a puzzled expression, I grinned to myself as I knew she was the only person haunting me every time I was with Victor.

“Yeah... I remember faintly about you mentioning her name...” I smartly lied.

“Laura and mine was an arranged marriage. My dad and mom and her parents were family friends. I was not acquainted to her closely before marriage but knew her for long and admired her too. She was a ravishing beauty.”

My heart was burning from inside when I heard Victor say that, but I knew it was true. I felt the same when I saw their wedding photo for the first time and composed myself.

“I loved her a lot. She was everything to me. We had a great marriage and things were wonderful until that day I got my only trusted and best friend inside my home that I had made so lovely with Laura. He came inside, spoiled everything and ruined every bit of my happiness and peace leaving me an inexplicable anguish and betrayal for the rest of my life. Ashish Roy was my one and only best friend since college. We even worked together for the same bank. Ashish used to visit my place a lot many times, sometimes even when I was not home. Laura and I stayed alone here in Bangalore while my parents were living with my elder brother in Delhi. Like often I used to travel on official tour on weekly basis while Laura I thought used to stay at her parents place. This privacy at my home without anyone around gave my wife and my best friend all the room to develop their immoral and unchaste relationship during my absence. Laura used to be her usual self when I was around and I never got even a tinge of suspicion or disbelief on her. I loved her in a way no man could but that was not sufficient to that whore. I gave her all the happiness I could afford but she was greedy. I was a stupid, dumb idiot who failed to notice this disgrace and deceit that was happening around me until that dreadful day.

I had a business trip to Mumbai. My flight was at 12.00 in the midnight and that day I left home early as it was raining. A little later after I reached the airport I received a call from office that the meeting which was scheduled with my partners was cancelled due to some unexpected reasons and I was told that my visit to Mumbai would be postponed until further notice from my team there. This trip was organized for almost one entire week and the fact I had to stay away from Laura was distressful. When I heard the meeting was cancelled I was extremely delighted to run home, see Laura and be with her. I did not inform her about my coming back and thought it would be a surprise to her. It was half past 12.00 a.m. when I reached home. I always had a spare duplicate house key with me and with intent of not wanting to disturb her I opened the door gently. I walked inside our bedroom to surprise her but instead was left aghast standing there at my bedroom doorway witnessing my best friend naked making love to my naked wife on our bed that was gifted to us for our marriage. I was stoic, almost collapsed mentally when I saw that dreadful, horrifying scene that no husband should witness and in a fit of fury I picked the metal lampshade placed in front of the dressing table and gave one really hard blow on his head. He fell down bleeding profusely while Laura was screaming at the top of her voice embarrassed and appalled.

He survived narrowly saving me from not becoming a murderer as a compliment. My life turned upside down. I did not know what was happening around me. I did not know whom to trust. Suddenly there were policemen visiting my house on the account of Ashish’s physical assault. Laura and I had terrible altercation lest I could not hurt her the way I had hit Ashish. I loved her genuinely but was left only with the infidelity of my wife and my best friend who was nothing less than a brother to me. She cried copiously don’t know if it was for cheating on me or because Ashish was hurt. She never loved me and only pretended to be this fulfilling perfect wife. She told she loved Ashish and left me. Until today I do not know what was so enticing about him that made her devastate me. My father died out of a heart attack the moment he got this news. My life became a total wreck. My mom came down to Bangalore to stay with me ever since then. Several futile arguments happened between Laura, her family and my family.

Finally after three months we were granted divorce. I still remember vividly the day our divorce was declared, Laura and Ashish walking outside the court hand-in-hand. I could not fathom where I failed. More than Laura choosing Ashish over me it was the fact that she did not notice my eternal love hurt me more; the fact that my best friend deluded me almost killed me. Ashish and I spoke only once outside the court a day before my divorce with Laura, and all he told was that he was sorry to fall in love with my wife. My family and I were left with unimaginable ignominy. All my neighbours, relatives, friends, acquaintances started seeing us through different eyes. Some were sympathetic, some sad while most of them were filled with mockery, cynicism and criticisms. I was a total failure, a big joke, and a man who did not know how to keep his woman with him. I moved home, changed my job to conceal myself from the failure in my life. Until today I tried avoiding people who knew my disgusting past, a past that reminds me as an unworthy guy, a foolish person who fell in love madly with an undeserving woman, a man betrayed by his best friend and that explains my unexpected behaviour when I bump into someone whom I would resent to see.

The cop we met the other day was the one who was there all through my divorce trial right from the time of apprehending me for assaulting Ashish and later vindicated by my wife and her lover probably they felt they committed a bigger crime than mine.

And then in Hyderabad of all the people on this earth I bumped into Ashish. Luckily he did not see me. I still do not know why I was afraid to see him, probably the fact that he was malicious enough to snatch Laura from me while I lacked the potential to retain my wife. Coincidentally my mom also fell ill and moreover I was not comfortable even one bit to stay in Hyderabad any longer especially with the fear that I might see Laura after almost four and half years and the sight of her would make me weak and miserable.”

I was stupefied staring at him speechless as he continued again with tears flowing from his eyes.

“I don’t know if I am completely over her even now. My mom insisted in meeting you.  I was reluctant initially but since I met you and been with your company, I felt light and lively after really a long time. I felt you might get back the life in me which I had lost ages ago. But something turns me off and reminds me of my failure, how ungrateful Laura was, of the love that I had on her and that is forbidding me in getting any closer to you for real. I am sorry for getting you into this mess and pouring my pathetic morose story on you.”

I was perplexed as I heard a much unexpected mind-harrowing past about Victor. I tried to pacify him as he was lamenting. I thought that Laura was the foolish one to choose some tall lanky average looking Bengali as against my sweet and benevolent prince charming. After a hiatus I opened up listening to that story of Victor.

“First of all I am truly sorry that something so bad had happened to a person like you. But I would rather not worry or fret too much about your past instead would love to be a part of your present and the future. I know there is some sort of redressal that you are seeking for the humiliation that happened to you but above all I would just want to know if you love me and want to marry me. Life is all about highs and lows and maybe I may not have the privilege to advice you yet you got to move on for your own good, stop living and thinking about your past and instead live the present moment” I sighed.

“Sarah, I know it is really hard for you especially after knowing things about me, but one thing which I feared to confess all this while is that I love you but the moment I fall in love with someone things might go wrong. I don’t want to lose you or lose in life again but I am really anxious and afraid to take any step towards a marriage again. I need something, some solace don’t know what to help me come out of that disappointment from what Laura had done to me. I hope I would surmise in course of time. Can you wait until then for me?”

I looked into his eyes for a few seconds when he asked me that question, I was dying to embrace him in my arms and kiss him but I did not. I loved him now more than earlier. I knew he was the one for me but I wanted him to say that to me.

“I will wait.” I just told that and then both of us without any further conversation left that place in silence.

I tossed to my left and right that night as I was lying on my bed with Victor’s words, his past ringing through my ears. I felt this ominous and desperate need to help Victor come out of his past, to make him live for the present, to help him understand a prosperous life with me in the future and then suddenly an idea flashed my mind. I sat upright on my bed and looked at the clock in my room. It was 1.00 a.m. With a sense of gratification and an internal contentment of finding a solution to Victor’s problem I laid down again determined to implement my plan.

 Chapter 9

I was waiting at the Bangalore International airport lounge. My flight to Hyderabad was delayed by an hour.  I got an economy class ticket at a slightly elevated price due to my last minute booking and weekend rates. I was rehearsing mentally the course of my action plan as soon as I would reach Hyderabad.

-          Check into a hotel close to Prime Regalis apartment. Fresh up and have something to eat and then reach Prime Regalis.

-          Wait for Ashish Roy to come out or probably check his flat number with the security unless he is ready to share it with me especially after the turn of events that happened between us the last time.

-          Wait until I meet Ashish or Laura and talk to them.

I alighted from the flight and took a taxi to the same hotel where Victor and I stayed the last time since I had not wanted to waste time in finding some new lodging accommodation and I was quite familiar with this one. 

I checked into a simple deluxe one bedroom sufficient enough for my one day stay. I quickly freshened up, grabbed a bite to eat and walked towards Prime Regalis.

I saw the security guard from his window sitting briskly on his chair in his room inside the main gate. It was half-past three in the afternoon. I quite confidently marched towards his room to enquire Ashish and Laura’s flat number.

“Hello sir, remember me? I am Ashish Roy’s friend. Could you please give me his flat number?”

He was a little startled at my sudden and unexpected approach.

“Oh, madam you are here again? What happened that day? You did not come back?”

“I lost some things valuable and had to immediately return to my home place for something urgent. Anyway can I have Ashish Roy’s flat number?”

“Oh Ashish saab.... He lives in flat number 201 but I don’t think he is there at his home right now. He has gone out for work. But maybe you can check if his wife is at home.”

I thanked him gleefully and strode towards flat number 201. There I was standing in front of their door, my heart was palpitating harder. I was going to meet Laura for the first time and I was quite nervous. Suddenly I felt my confidence level streaming down. Will Laura be ready to talk to me after knowing that I am dating Victor? What if Laura had moved on and not really comfortable discussing her inglorious past? I was confused for a moment. All the excitement and the zeal I had to meet them were descending a little bit but I composed myself and rang the bell.

After a couple of minutes someone opened the door.

“Yes?”

I saw a lady probably of my age standing in front of the door. She was the same one I saw the other day with Ashish, the one in niqab. She opened her veil and enquired who I was. There was a terrible black patchy scar on her left cheeks. I could not recognize her.

“Is this Laura?”

“Yes I am Laura? Who are you?”

I was appalled to know that she was the one I had been obsessed with all these days. She was not that beautiful attractive woman I had seen on the photo the other day. This lady was looking hideous with a burnt scar on her face.

“Oh! Hi! My name is Sarah... Sorry I could not recognize you...”

“Oh...this...” she touched the scar on her face....” Well... uh... sorry do I know you?”

“No you don’t...I am Victor’s friend. I have seen you on your both wedding photo.”

In no time her face narrowed down on hearing my words and she turned sullen and gloomy. I sensed a feeling of reluctance and embarrassment in her to converse with me.

“Oh! Uh... Hello... uh...Is he alright? Oh sorry please come inside.” After a bit of hesitation she opened the door wide open for me to step inside.

I went inside their small and compact apartment. The living room was bright, neat and impeccable. There were some archaic and classy artefacts collection arranged neatly on the showcase. The house was not swamped with furniture or wooden stuff and there were things that were just needed.

I sat on their black velvet inflatable couch facing their 36 inches flat screen Samsung LED.  On the wall there was one big portrait photo frame of Ashish and Laura together, the beautiful and blemish less Laura I had seen before, not the one sitting here right across me.

“How do you know Victor?” there she asked me the question direct and candid.

“Well, we have been engaged and have been dating for a couple of months now.”

‘Engaged’- I was questioning myself. Well we may not be officially engaged but it felt nice to tell that way to Laura- Victor’s ex- love interest or even now which I was not very sure of.

“Oh that’s nice. Glad to know Victor has moved on too.”  She told with a contented smile yet a tinge of envy somewhere across her eyes. I felt a slight sense of victory but not totally which is why I was here, to confront to Laura about Victor’s disturbance and seeking for solace.

“Well not really this is why I am here...”

“Sorry I do not understand” she remarked.

With a sense of queasiness to discuss her past, I made up my mind that I had no alternative and began to speak.

“I am Sarah and I work as a Lecturer in the University of Bangalore. Victor and I started dating a few months ago arranged by our parents. In the beginning I was sceptical about this entire process of arranged marriage but I eventually began to like Victor and indeed fell in love with him. Although he had shown signs of liking me in return he has not acknowledged outright if he loved me the way I wanted him to and was quite furtive about many of his activities. Then one day I confronted him for his unusual behaviour at times which was when I got to know about his past, both your past.”

I saw Laura was getting a little restless and uncomfortable when I mentioned that I knew her outrageous past but I was determined to continue.

“He said he loves me but he is unable to move forward towards marrying me as he is still left with a grave sense of humiliation and disappointment because of the way you had left him and gone. He is suffering from the fear of a remarriage probably afraid that he might fail again. He needs some redressal, a way of coming over his ignominy. He has been avoiding people whom he knew from the past, people who knew his past and confined himself to a small space whenever he ran into someone like that. This cannot continue. I want him to move on and forget what had happened and get into me totally. I realized he still has some emotions hidden for you. That’s why I have come here to seek your help, to help him come over this. I am not certainly trying to affront or disgrace you. I know it may be even inappropriate for you to do this and at this juncture married to another man you may hesitate to offer this favour but I don’t have another choice and only you could resolve Victor’s problem which has become my problem too now. “

Laura was looking at me flabbergasted. She was sitting still and pensive. She got up and went inside some room. I heard her sobbing. A little while later she came outside. Her eyes were puffy and face reddened.  She drank a glass of water and offered me one too. She sat across me and looked at me sallow and distraught.

“Sarah, this is so surreal. I honestly don’t know where to start and how to start. Victor and mine was an arranged one too. Our families knew each other for a long time. I guess you might have been aware of this.”

I nodded.

“Victor was a gentleman. He was extremely sweet, kind and loved me a lot. I thought I had loved him too. I was naive and vulnerable. Victor’s job nature was really disturbing our marital life. He was on tour every month, sometimes he used to stay away from me for weeks together. I was feeling lonely and dejected. His absence continued to affect me mentally and physically. It was at that time when my dad and mom also moved to Mysore as my elder brother got a new job there. Although they used to visit Bangalore temporarily, Victor’s absence and my parents’ inaccessibility started to trouble me. Ashish was Victor’s best friend. He used to visit our house quite often.  It was one such time when Victor was away on his weekly tour and I fell ill. Ashish was the only person around me who took care of me all day and night. This was the point when I was weak and depressed and needed some shoulder to lean. We became friends. We used to hang out and spend time with each other and in the course of time I started enjoying his company. I began seeing him a little too often with and without Victor and I don’t know when but we both fell in love with each other. I realized that I don’t love Victor as I had presumed. Things became ugly between Victor and me and we parted our ways. Ashish and I got married and we moved here to Hyderabad four years ago.

Although I was happy with Ashish something began to bother my inner conscience. I was disloyal to Victor. There was no mistake on him but I punished him cruelly. Two years ago I met with a major fire accident and it was luck or god’s grace that I survived but with serious burns on my face and left side of my body. Since then I have been covering my face and body, but the scar on my face reminds me of the inerasable scar that I had left in Victor’s life. My beauty and arrogance have been inundated down under my impurity. The only blessing was I had Ashish. He comprehended the pain I was undergoing and was doing his best to help me. There were times he had even suggested that I go and speak to Victor but I lacked the courage and more than that I could never face him.

But now after listening to you, I want to redeem my sins. I feel God has given me one last opportunity to set back things right which I had defaced. This would help me get back my sanctity and inner peace.”

I was exhilarated when I heard Laura speak to me. I was happy that most part of my job was over and rest was in executing my last step of plans.

“Thank you so much Laura. When I came here I never knew what would be the result and how you might respond to me. But I genuinely from the bottom of my heart appreciate the step that you would take for Victor and indirectly me and thank you sincerely.”

“No. Indeed I am indebted to you to come all the way here and help me get that strength to face Victor and seek apology for the irreparable mistake of my life. If this can set things right for you and him I would be more than happy. I will speak to Ashish tonight. How long are you in Hyderabad?”

“I would be leaving tonight as my sole purpose was to meet you and talk and I have accomplished that. I stay in Hotel Comforts, 3 km from here. My flight is at 8.00 p.m. Please give me a call once you have spoken to your husband and then we can devise the plan for your all meeting in Bangalore” and I gave her my phone number.

“Sure. Ashish will be back from office by 7.00 p.m. I will talk to him and give you a call. Thank you once again Sarah.”

“Thank you too.”

I smiled and bid her goodbye until next meeting and left to my hotel accommodation. Back in my flight to Bangalore, I was pondering about my encounter with Laura. My outlook about her changed. Though she committed a heinous mistake, she was not a bad person totally. It was destiny that had designed such a cruel fate for Victor and her, but thanked the same fate which diverted Victor to my life.

Chapter 10 - Conclusion

Aunt Lily and Uncle Sebastian were seated across me while we were having dinner. It had been 2 days since I returned from Hyderabad after my phenomenal discussion with Laura. I was waiting eagerly to receive that one call from Laura which would change things for me and Victor for good.

“How was your friend? I don’t remember you mentioning about a friend in Hyderabad” Aunt Lily dubiously questioned me.

 I had told my aunt and uncle that I was going to Hyderabad to meet some old friend from college. I had told that I recently got to know that she stays in Hyderabad and was invited for some old college reunion at their place. I had never lied to my aunt and uncle, my foster parents, until I met Victor and had fallen in love with him. That’s when I released how much you lie to your parents when you are in love. But my aunt was pretty smart and she could easily identify whenever I lied or probably I was not smart enough in concocting up stories.

“Uh... yeah she is doing well. She moved recently to Hyderabad with her family. We used to be really close during college days. Chitra is her name. I have even mentioned about her to you. Guess you would have forgotten.” My uncle smiled at me when I told that.

Chitra was indeed my old friend from college and I used her name to evade my aunt’s suspicious eyes. We had never been in touch since we left college.

My university was to reopen for the next fresh semester in 2 weeks and I was preparing myself mentally while inside I was hoping things between me and Victor gets settled before I go for work as my mind would not focus like usual. I wanted to talk to Victor too but thought would rather wait for Laura’s call.

Next day morning as I was sitting at my couch taking a sip of my coffee, the phone rang. I kept the coffee mug aside and reached for my phone. It was Laura. Instantly I picked her call.

“Hello”

“Hi, this is Laura here.”

“Hi, glad to hear from you. How are you?”

“I am fine. Thanks. How are you Sarah?”

“Better, after I got your call.” I chuckled.

“Hmmm... I spoke to Ashish about your visit. After giving intense thoughts we both have decided to meet you and Victor in Bangalore. Ashish too wanted to talk to Victor from very long but was hesitant. Your trip to Hyderabad gave us the fortitude to meet Victor after so many years. We owe this to him.”

I was breathing hard as I heard Laura speaking. I was anxious of what Laura might tell and her words ringed a positive bell in my mind.

“Oh! That’s a relief. I was quite nervous wondering if you would concede to meet Victor but I am really thankful for this great step from you and your husband.”

“Sure...Uh... When do you think we can come?”

“Well, I haven’t spoken to Victor since I came to Bangalore. I would first like to talk to him and fix a suitable place where all of us could meet. Now I have a bigger task of convincing him in meeting you two but I am sure I can accomplish that. Give me a couple of days and I will inform you about our next visit. Is that OK with you?”

“Sure. No problem. You can call me at this number. Ashish is relatively free at work next week. So anytime around the weekend should be OK.”

“Great stuff. Thanks again. I will call you soon.”

“Ok... bye.”

“Bye.”

I kept my phone down and took my coffee mug. My coffee had become a little cold. I gulped it up wondering how and what should I tell Victor. It was tough feat indeed. I decided to meet him at our favourite sandwich bar. I called Victor.

“Hello Victor.”

“Hi Sarah, what a pleasant surprise! Really happy to hear from you.”

“Me too. How have you been?”

“Fine. How are you?  I am still unable to believe that you called me after all that conversation we had last time. Feels really good. When are you joining work?”

I was delighted about how Victor was feeling about my call to him. I missed him a lot but apparently did not confess that to him.

“I am doing well. Thanks. I would certainly call you.” I told with a bit of glee in my tone. “I will be back to college in two weeks from now. How is your work going on?”

“Oh that’s nice...My work the same regular stuff. I just returned home a day ago from a two day official trip to Chennai.”

“That sounds good. Are you free today or tomorrow? I would like to meet you.”

“I am totally free. I would love to meet you too. How about today evening 6.00 p.m.?”

“Great. Sounds like a plan. Shall we meet at Wimpys sandwich bar?”

“Sure. I will be there.”

“Ok then. See you today evening. Bye.”

“Bye.”

I was indeed dying to meet Victor but the thought of how I might get Laura and Ashish’s topic was troubling me.

I was at the coffee shop at 6 p.m. and Victor joined me too right in time. We seated and ordered our favourite cappuccino and cheese sandwiches.

“It is so nice seeing you again and talking to you Sarah.”

I was munching my sandwiches and rehearsing mentally what I had to tell Victor.

“I missed you Victor” I confessed it outright. “I wholeheartedly want our relationship to progress to the next stage but that cannot happen unless you are ready for it mentally. I know you said you loved me and I could comprehend what was forbidding you from moving on from your past. Since you had trouble figuring out of how to get out of your mental complexities I decided to take the challenge to help you out and have your issues resolved.” I took a pause here as I saw Victor perplexed staring at me with hundreds of questions racing across his face. He stopped drinking his coffee and looked at me to proceed.

“Well, this may come as a little shocker to you...uh... I met Laura a few days ago at her residence in Hyderabad.”

I could feel Victor missing a heart beat at the very stroke of those words from my mouth into his ears. The excitement of having met me on his face diminished. His face became sullen and pale.

“What are you saying? You met Laura? Why?”

“Victor please allow me to finish what I had come here to tell you and I request you to remain calm until then. I only wish for the best for both of us. After you spoke to me the last time and revealed all the things that were troubling you, about your harrowing past, I was contemplating if I could do anything to set things right for you and in a way help you move on so that we both could go ahead to the next step in our lives. I felt that there were a lot of things that remained unsaid and unsettled between you, Laura and Ashish. Suddenly it dawned to me what if Laura also felt the same way about you and if only she too gets a chance to clear off the untold things between you and her. But my prediction was only a probability and I could confirm that only if I meet her to know how she is now and what she thinks. So I courageously took that move and went to Hyderabad to meet her. Actually there was something that I did not tell you the other day. When both of us visited Hyderabad I knew you were trying to hide yourself away from some stranger we met at that Italian Hotel. So the next day I went around to that place to check who he was but could not as we had to leave Hyderabad in a hurry. Later after you mentioned who he was I knew Laura should also be living with him.

I traced their residence and met Laura. I figured out after talking to her that she was left with immense remorse and wanted to talk to you probably to redeem her sins. Ashish too is equally deliberate to meet you but was ashamed and afraid of how you might respond to him.

I request you to give them this one chance, meet them and talk to them. I am sure a lot can be resolved by an effective communication. After all it is forgiveness as Jesus said and I believe this would definitely solve your entire trauma. Trust me.”

Victor was stunned and moved his torso a little uneasily on his chair. There was a brief lull after my tumultuous speech. He sipped water from his glass and was pondering over something probably about what I spoke. Then I heard him speak.

“Sarah, I genuinely don’t know what to speak now. I never anticipated in the wildest of my dreams that you might tell something like this before I came here to meet you. I am really confused. I...uh... guess would need some time alone. I really appreciate the efforts you have taken to help me and having gone beyond your ways to mend the irreparable but it’s a little too much for me to assimilate all that you told me today and this meeting with Laura and Ashish... Oh god... I don’t know if I could do that. I need some time to think.”

“I can totally understand. No issues. Please take your time but I would be really happy if you call me with a positive mindset. I would like to reassure you that this encounter will certainly change things better for you. I will be waiting for your call.”

There weren’t any nod or approval from Victor’s end at my proposal as he quietly stood up and walked towards the exit. I kind of forecasted this reaction from him. Victor was in a huge dilemma and appalled.

Two days later Victor called me.

“Hello Victor” I started on a cheerful note.

“Hi. Are you busy? Can I talk to you now?”

“Yeah sure...”

“Uh... I did not sleep much since our last meeting. I was pondering over and over about your options. The bare sight of people who knew my past would only make me nervous. Now meeting Laura and Ashish, the two who are responsible for my conditions would make me all the more miserable. Then your words reverberated through my mind. To solve a problem we need to face it upfront and you are right about it. After careful and intense calculations, I have prepared my mind to consider your idea. I am OK with meeting them. Let it be somewhere where I would not need to bother about people around me. Also I don’t want anyone to witness the three of us together- Ashsih, Laura and me.”

“That’s great news. I honestly appreciate you for taking this decision. Don’t worry I will make sure that the three of you can talk in peace without any obstacle or hindrance and I would also make sure that you are not put into any awkward moments which would be my prime concern. How about this weekend at my house?  I think that is the safest and best place. My aunt and uncle are travelling out of city this weekend and I would be alone. If it is OK with you I will make arrangements for the 3 of you to meet at my place?”

“Sounds good. My mother too has gone to my brothers’. So this weekend will be the right time before I cocoon myself and change my mind.”

“Awesome! I will inform Laura and Ashish too. Meet you at my place. I will call you and let you know the timings. Until then sleep peacefully and do not fret about this.” I chirped.

“OK. Bye Sarah.”

“Bye.”

I informed Laura about our plans and asked them to book tickets for the Saturday. Laura sounded nervous and glad, haggling with mixed emotions. Friday night, after my dinner and bidding adieu to my aunt and Uncle for their trip, spoke to Laura who was travelling with Ashish in second class A/C coach towards Bangalore, I was lying on my bed contemplating about the meet that I had to orchestrate the next day. A cold chill traversed through my spine. As the day was arriving closer I began to experience the tense and heat of the moment. I was not sure if all my genius attempts would end up into an unforgettable dirty altercation between the parties leaving me into a remorse for getting them all together or it would end on a happily-ever-after note like in fairy tales. I decided to preserve the surprise or the shocker moment whichever was destined for tomorrow and retired to sleep.

This was a moment that I had never believed would ever happen was there right in front of me. Laura and Ashish were seated in my living room. They freshened up after their not-so-tiresome journey and had poha that I had prepared for them for breakfast waiting anxiously for Victor to arrive. At around half past ten in the morning I heard Victor’s car in front of my gate. He parked his car and walked towards my door. I had anticipated him to be twitchy and apprehensive but he rather walked nonchalantly towards my door and rang the bell as I ran towards him to receive him. As he walked inside the room Laura and Ashish woke up from the couch feeling a little nervous. Victor raised his chin up and smiled at me and turned his face towards them his eyes fixed on Laura who was wearing a veil. He was perplexed wondering why Laura was covering up her face and was left aghast as she unveiled. He was appalled seeing those scary scars on her face, a once so beautiful face that drove him head over heels and crazy. 

He was still not out of his shock as he sat on the sofa staring at her speechless.

“Hi Victor, How are you? So happy to see you after really long” Laura struck the first conversation with Victor after four years.

“Hi...Laura...” Victor greeted her in a staggering voice glaring at Ashish who put his face down as he met Victor’s eyes. “What is all this Laura? How did this happen?” he asked her pointing at her scars.

“This...it was a fire accident two years ago...managed to survive narrowly. I guess god did not want me to leave this world so easily after what I did to you and he gave me these scars as a remainder. I am glad I am here finally to redeem my sins and seek solace for the rest of my life.

Victor choked and coughed a little bit. I offered him a glass of water as he composed himself.

“Hello Victor. I am happy too to see you” Ashish greeted Victor.

“Hello...” Victor greeted him formally with a bit of scorn.

I thought my presence around them might make them a little uncomfortable so I decided to give them the space to have their discussion.

“Guess you guys might want to talk in private. I will stay in the other room. Please help yourselves” I placed a plate with some light snacks and bottle of wine.

“No it’s Ok. You must stay. After all it is because of you that we all are here together.” Laura insisted. But I was feeling a little queasy so I convinced her that I would stay in the other room.

After almost two hours I heard a little laughter outside and Laura came inside my room to fetch me to the living room.

“Sarah, you are an amazing woman and I am extremely happy that Victor got you in his life to shower him all that unconditional and fulfilling love that I failed to give him. You are the one for him and now I can live in peace.”

 I was a little startled at those unprecedented compliments as she held my hand and dragged me outside. I was overwhelmed as I saw Victor smiling at me. I was bewildered wondering what really happened in my absence. Ashish came towards me and thanked me for all my efforts to set things right for three people although I had initially planned it only for Victor. He shook hands with Victor. Laura and Ashish told me that the purpose of their visit was fulfilled and bid us adieu stating that they would be around the city for a short while and catch their early return train to Hyderabad.

After they left I spoke to Victor.

“Victor what really happened? I am curious.”

He laughed at me, took my hand and held within both his.

“Sarah, you are really awesome. I could not imagine how much you love me and I am indebted to you for the rest of my life. I never knew how this would be to meet Laura and Ashish after all that turmoil I underwent but now my fear has vanished and that is because of you. If not for your persuasion and the confidence you gave me to come for this meeting, I don’t know if I could have managed to pull through this easily. Today I am an enlightened man. I knew what true love means. I was foolish and ignorant all these days. Laura and Ashish were meant to be for whatever reasons and I have accepted that reality. Also I have found the true love of my life.”

 He genuflected and holding my hands proposed.

“I love you Sarah, truly and deeply. Will you marry me?”

I burst into tears unable to believe my ears, a little too overwhelmed and exalted and instantly I told, yes.

“Yes, I would love to be your wedded wife.” I smiled at him with glee and coy. He got up, held me closer to his chest, as I felt his breath on me we kissed passionately.

1 month later....

 After all that fun, frolic and exhaustion at my wedding, there I was lying at my luxury honeymoon suite in Mauritius with Victor beside me after a long and passionate love making as I was looking at the ceiling smiling to myself contented and blissful.

 I got up to take a sip of coffee, as Victor came around me and hugged and caressed me on my forehead.

“I am still inquisitive to know what really happened that day at my home. What did you 3 speak?” as I asked him he grinned at me and told

“Ha...ha... trust me I don’t think it really matters and its over. I do not want to think or bother you with my past which does not exist any longer. I am immensely happy this minute with you and want this to last till our end.” He winked at me and kissed. I giggled at his little secret and went inside the bathroom for a shower !!!