The Dawn Of A New Me

Is life all that complicated? How does one know what he or she wants? Is there a life without uncertainty or an element of perplexity? Why does mind meanders often in search of something insatiable? Why does one not attain a sense of contentment and always want a change or a difference or pursue something more? These are a few incessant questions out of the myriad other thoughts that hovers over my mind and boggles me while I attempt to find answers in vain.

I am a mother in my early 30’s born in the zenith phase of this booming Millennial era and perhaps I may not carry on so much of those narcissistic ambitious traits of this generation and still belong a little bit to the archaic obtuse conventional period of the generation before me. I was a self-satisfied minimalist with a happy mind frame who quit my job, a career spanning over 7 years that I valued for long to perform duties of raising and nurturing my son something that I prioritize and value higher than anything else.

While one part of me was proud of and self-absorbed of these duties that I was catering to as a doting mother, a wife and a perfect homemaker, the other part of me had these qualms of being incomplete – a sense of loss of identity. I was a student of immensely meritorious category educated from one of the prestigious universities of the country, quite successful in both education and profession who suddenly on a fine day when the motherhood in me controlled me, I resorted to change the pattern of my life for good leaving behind all the career aspirations and take up the role of a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and raise my son.

But as years passed by and my son’s need and attention for me declined, I decided that it was time that I should break this humongous glacier of ice holding me firm and rigid inside the cocoon of my family and emerge out into the world beyond in the quest of doing something that I am passionate about before I was lost totally.

A little over a year ago after delving into a few options of re-purposing my life (most of which did not materialize successfully), I finally decided to get back to my old job. I was queasy and petrified even as I was attending multiple interviews walking through the aisle of those corporate companies, wondering if this is what I wanted - the change that I craved for months together as the interviewers looked at me waiting to pounce and devour me like some savage monster. It was then when a gamut of ambiguous mixed emotions started spiraling within me like a whirlpool carrying me through various tides of highs and lows and pushed me to this phase of uncertainty and bewilderment which is what I am going to ramble about perhaps in the next couple of snippets of my musings 😊

Working in a Corporate Phase

Day 1: I was sitting at my office with a lot of new faces around gawking at me while I was waiting for my laptop. Over these 6 years of career break I realized that I had turned into this non-social recluse animal running errands to my family and mostly indulging in conversations with mothers of similar kind I had become oblivious of mingling with other kind of people and have a social life. Software industries, corporate firms were something that I started despising after I quit my job because of the nature of work and the monotony revolving it but little did I know that I was going to start my second innings as a professional in the same old realm of space that was once very familiar to me but something that I was not very passionate about. Owing to the lack of job options and the indolence to learn new skills and try a different work space I chose to get back to the same thing that I was good at but not very intrigued about.

Day 2: Had a conversation with my manager to transition me to home-based employee since I had opted for that during my interview and this commute was such a painful thing that I was enduring. Well, I was told to come for a few months to office (no definitive time specified apparently) to help me get on track with the work owing to my long career break. Every day was an ordeal travelling to the office and the only thing I had wished for was the quick transition into becoming a home-based employee.

I made few new friends, met the old folks who still survived in the same organization. There is this famous adage – “Grass is always greener on the other side”. Albeit I am philosophical and possess emotional and behavioral intellect, this human mind in me is restless and gets bored too soon. It was quite a challenge and courage that I had built up to break the stereotype of just being a SAHM and wanted to venture out something beyond my comfort zone. A change was indispensable and inevitable at that moment.

               Day 60: I am transcending on to Day 60 now. After 2 months of traveling to office back and forth and not much productive work I finally became a full-time home-based employee. Well now was I elated and happy that I got what I wanted? The answer was “No”. The next stage of anxiety and torments followed me or perhaps what my mind thought so to be.

Home-based Employee Phase

I was given the lead role for a complex study and it was quite overwhelming considering that I had not had hands-on programming experience for a long time.  I often keep self-introspecting – “Why did I start working?” What does it mean “I started working”? Does that mean these 6 years of unpaid, not glorified, imperceptible, innumerable hours of physical toil - the job of a home-maker means “not working”? Well, at some point this job became a humdrum, unexciting which coerced me into venturing something opposite of what I was doing which is why I am here or pursued it to be here. But this job is not exciting either. Is this an irony or am I too greedy or baffled about what I really want in life?

After a few panic attacks, swinging through multitude level of stress disorders and imbalances and not failing to mention the late-night slogging owing to a plethora of project assignments I turned out jubilant with my “office work” and even got acknowledged with a couple of awards for my good work (something I do not get despite being a good home-maker. There is no token of recognition for a home-maker-multi-tasking-full-time-mom perhaps the reason why my mind sought after something credit-worthy).

There was no element of thrill in life earlier and now there is so much of unwarranted roller coaster rides that makes me feel it was a lot easier when I was just a SAHM, writing my stories and taking care of my family unfazed by anything – just peace and harmony which I miss most of the times now. But that sounds simple and awfully boring. What's wrong with me? Have I turned into this complicated neurotic person with an embroiled state of mind? These are the voices echoing through my brains.

A little over a year and quarter had swept by since I started this stint. There were multiple whining, ranting and  moments of wanting to quit my job and restore my old mode but with the fear of again getting back to that home-maker’s depression phase which I suffered previously and also the lack of a strong back-up plan to continue my life, I postponed the thoughts of leaving my job and learnt to be a bit more patient and complacent and take things a little slow probably a deliberate attempt to plummet my insanity levels. I don’t know what’s in store for me or is this an incessant spell in my life which I might continue to pursue may be in another organization and turn into another monotonous dreary IT corporate sloth bear.

Day 380: After a lot of thinking I had a long conversation with my manager to ease my workload and discussed on my work aspirations, about my struggle to multi-task and juggle between office work and home-work, about the high volume of project work load instigating an imbalance in my work-life and eventually at the end of that grueling talk (phew!), my manager kind of temporarily reduced my work-load. I am a little relaxed at this moment as I am writing this long-winded soliloquy here yet uncertain about future and the challenges awaiting me. Will this be a rickety stint  that I started a year ago which I might cherish for the rest of my life or is this going to define the rest of my life? Well only time has the answer to this one!